Health jokes
A depressed kid didn't succeed at suicide and said, "I'm a failure at suicide, too."
When my grandpa was 65, he decided to run a mile a day to keep fit.
He's 70 now, and we have no idea where he is.
A 9-year-old girl lies on a hospital bed struggling to breathe as she waits for the doctor to come.
The doctor finally comes, and the little girl can breathe much easier after he pulls his cock out of her mouth.
What do you call a kid with cancer? Limited.
What do you call a retard that got hit by a car? Mashed potatoes.
What are a doctor's and a WWE fighter's ideas on child abuse?
Doctor's: Don't do it, it does not help. Mood behavior.
WWE fighters: If it can crawl, it can brawl.
You're so fat that when you stepped on a scale, it said, "To be continued..."
What do you do when a person with epilepsy gets seizures in the bathtub? Throw in some laundry.
Why can't people in wheelchairs be gay? Cuz you can't be a fruit and a vegetable at the same time.
What's an asthma patient’s least favorite vegetable?
An arti-“choke”!
What's green and has a thousand nipples?
A garbage bag in the alley behind a breast cancer clinic.
You know they say, when you get lemons make lemonade... Well, I took that a little bit too literal.
Turns out squeezing your wife's tits as hard as you can hurts them.
But at least lemonade came out!
What is the difference between me and a retard?
At least I have chromosomes.
What's something red that is bad for your teeth?
A brick.
A few men have curved penises, but they can fix that problem by straightening it out.
What did Santa give the mute, blind, quadriplegic orphan at Christmas?
Chlamydia.
Did you see that car crash today where the guy got the entire left side of his body cut off?
He's all right now.
Q: What do you do when an epileptic has a seizure in the bathtub?
A: Throw in some laundry.
What do you call a cowboy with Down syndrome? A whipped potato.
What's the difference between my dad and cancer?
My dad didn't beat the cancer.