Health jokes
I caught the flowers at a wedding--now married to a hot guy. But then I caught an STD at a funeral, I kinda nervo.........
What do dentists play at their practice?
Dental records.
Guy, it was so weird yesterday. I saw a guy, and he kept repeating the same thing over and over. I hate people with dementia. I told my mom to get a new mirror, but she won’t listen to me. It’s almost like I said it like 20 times every time I say it.
"Oh, hey guys, do you know I saw a guy with dementia?"
"Oh, hey guys, do you know I saw a guy with dementia?"
"Oh, hey, do you know I saw a guy with dementia?"
Yo mama so fat, her birth certificate was an apology letter.
What's green and bad for your teeth?
A green brick.
What’s the best cure for not wanting to go to work?
Suicide.
I'm throwing an orgy for people on antidepressants.
Let me know if you can't cum.
My fucking balls hurt so god damn bad, oh my god!
What does one boob say to the other boob?
If we don’t get support, people will think we’re nuts.
What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave?
Thanks for coming!
Doctor: I have bad news.
Man: What?
Doctor: There are two things wrong with you. First, you have cancer.
Man: Oh, no...
Doctor: Second, you have Alzheimer's.
Man: Well, at least I don't have cancer!
Man with cancer: How much time do I have left?
Doctor: Ten.
Man: Weeks? Months? Days?
Doctor: Nine, eight, seven...
Did you hear the joke about the baby with cancer? It never gets old.
All I wanna do is *gunshots* *gunshots* *gunshots* and *click* *cash register noise*, unlearn years of trauma and maintain healthy habits and fulfilling relationships while learning how to have solid boundaries and a whole sense of self.
Therapy - Expensive - Years of hard work - Emotionally draining - Tough to find
Screaming in the woods - Free - Immediate relief - Scares hunters enough to leave, therefore saving innocent animals - Potential to make friends with people who are also screaming in the woods.
Drinking coffee when you're anxious is about as effective as using gasoline to put out a fire, but slurp slurp guess who's an anxious bitch who never learns.
*having sex on lexapro*
Her: Cum for me, baby!
Me: I'm trying!
Don’t have sex. Because you will get pregnant. And die.
A depressed kid gave me a high five. I left him hanging.