What’s the best cure for not wanting to go to work?
Suicide.
Health Jokes
I'm throwing an orgy for people on antidepressants.
Let me know if you can't cum.
My fucking balls hurt so god damn bad, oh my god!
What does one boob say to the other boob?
If we don’t get support, people will think we’re nuts.
What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave?
Thanks for coming!
Doctor: I have bad news.
Man: What?
Doctor: There are two things wrong with you. First, you have cancer.
Man: Oh, no...
Doctor: Second, you have Alzheimer's.
Man: Well, at least I don't have cancer!
Man with cancer: How much time do I have left?
Doctor: Ten.
Man: Weeks? Months? Days?
Doctor: Nine, eight, seven...
Did you hear the joke about the baby with cancer? It never gets old.
All I wanna do is *gunshots* *gunshots* *gunshots* and *click* *cash register noise*, unlearn years of trauma and maintain healthy habits and fulfilling relationships while learning how to have solid boundaries and a whole sense of self.
Therapy - Expensive - Years of hard work - Emotionally draining - Tough to find
Screaming in the woods - Free - Immediate relief - Scares hunters enough to leave, therefore saving innocent animals - Potential to make friends with people who are also screaming in the woods.
Drinking coffee when you're anxious is about as effective as using gasoline to put out a fire, but slurp slurp guess who's an anxious bitch who never learns.
*having sex on lexapro*
Her: Cum for me, baby!
Me: I'm trying!
Don’t have sex. Because you will get pregnant. And die.
A depressed kid gave me a high five. I left him hanging.
What is the difference between a guy with cancer and the Twin Towers?
Nothing, they both fell.
How do you tell if someone is depressed?
The brains on the wall.
Friend: Ur sister after you were born. 😭
Me: Ur brother after chemotherapy. 😵
Doctor: You have cancer.
Patient: Will I survive?
Doctor: Probably not.
Why did the bike fall over?
Because it was two tired.
One time in my dream, I had a dream that all people in wheelchairs could walk. It was awesome; I could walk!
