Health jokes

A big guy told the small guy, "Do you want a little pill because you look ill, or should I smash you?"

"Stand up for yourself! Oh, come on, walk it off."

My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me.

"She obviously has COVID," my wife said.

"Why?" I asked.

My wife replied with a sneer, "Because she has no taste!"

What do you get if a disabled person falls off a building? Mashed potatoes.

What’s big, pink, long and makes my 12 year old girlfriend cry when I put it in her mouth?

Her miscarriage.

I have a better method of abortion than currently used. It's like a regular one, except you can get free food out of it... We're about to give baby-back ribs a whole new meaning.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch some chips and sweets.

No, he can't keep his heart rate down, and she's got diabetes.

Why is the world split in half? Because fat people are weighing the Earth down.

Same old boring ass day, until a person with Parkinson's fainted and got everyone's attention.

He really shook things up today.

What's the best thing about stage 4 cancer?

There's no stage 5.

The cure for depression is around the corner... There it is, the train.

Your mum went to the dentist so she could install Bluetooth.

Two scientists walk into a bar. The first one says: "I'll have some H2O."

The second one says: "I'll have some H2O, too." And then he died.

Why do Fortnite players have such good teeth?

Because they like to floss.

Depression sucks, and so do you.

"Chelsea is the most consistent team.

One win in August, one win in September, and one win in October; it's just like a menstrual cycle.

If they don't win in November, just know that they're pregnant." 😅

Why don't some people have balls? Because they play soccer with them.

Your hairline is gone because you never bathed or brushed.

Your mum's hairline was so long that you decided to get therapy.

I overdosed on Viagra yesterday.

It was the hardest day of my life.