Health jokes
What's the difference between my dad cumming and cancer?
Nothing, they both stain.
What couldn’t the boy in the wheelchair do when he saw a bully? He couldn’t stand up for himself.
What can you catch but not throw?
A cold!
When a fat person steps on a scale, it says: “To be continued.”
When a fat person wants to kill themselves, why are they so worried? The diabetes will get to them sooner or later!
What did the blind deaf kid get for Christmas? Cancer.
I didn’t eat breakfast because I’m starving myself.
When you ask your friend if he thinks lunch is good, but he says that he doesn't taste anything.
I'm stumped.
Bro, you teeth are so yellow that you can't brush your teeth.
I got kicked out of the hospital for saying, "Stay Positive," to the corona patients.
I have no toes, so I put blood on my foot, and then my other foot got run over, so, ye.
Dad: What time do you wanna go to the dentist?
Daughter: *tooth hurty*
Dad: All right.
A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of childbirth to the father. He asks if it is ok to use the new device. The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing.
They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.
My friend nearly drowned in her bowl of muesli the other day. She was pulled in by a strong "currant."
Just shit my pants and it ran all down my legs... last time I eat at Popeyes.
What do kids call a balanced meal?
A hamburger in each hand! XD XD XD XD
My dad told me a story today. His mom, my grandma, said if a bird gets in your house, someone will die.
That day, a hummingbird got in his UPS truck, and that’s the day he found out that my grandma had cancer. 😭😭😭😭😭 6 weeks later, she died. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Why should old women never eat seafood?
'Cause then she'll start acting crabby.
Q: Gaining weight is gonna be a piece of cake.