Health jokes
When you donate a kidney, you are a total hero, everyone loves you.
When you donate five kidneys though, people start yelling, the police gets called--sheesh!
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
What is black and white and red all over? A newspaper.
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste!
What’s the hardest part to eat on a vegetable?
The wheelchair.
What's red, six inches long, and made my girlfriend cry when I fed it to her?
Her miscarriage.
Hi, how are you? Busy doing right? I just texted me and my dad and walk home from home and walk home and walk walk home.
What's the difference between sleeping pills and my beating my meat?
Sleeping pills actually come with a prescription.
Somebody stole my joke.
So I stole their spinal cord.
What did the Los Angeles Police do when George Floyd said that he could not breathe? They gave George Floyd two squirts of Zicam cold remedy inside his nose.
A man once went to a doctor because his leg was turning blue.
The doctor said that his leg had to be amputated as it was getting poisonous.
The man then got plastic prosthetics.
Next day even the prosthetics started turning blue.
After much examination, the doctor found that the patient's pants were shedding color.
What do you call two Michael J. Fox's standing next to each other?
Parallel Parkinson's.
What’s the difference between an epileptic corn shucker and a prostitute with diarrhea?
The epileptic corn shucker “shucks between fits”...
(I want to apologize in advance. These are very dark jokes.)
What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
I was going to tell a dead baby joke, but I decided to abort.
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? His wife is dead.
Why does Helen Keller hate porcupines? They’re painful to look at.
Why can’t orphans play baseball? They don’t know where home is.
Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
Q: What is the hardest part of a cabbage?
A: Wheelchair.
What do you call a bloody pig?
HAMorrhage!
What do squats eat? Numbers.
😷 👕 👖 Stay safe in Quarantine.
Q: Why didn't the skeleton laugh at the joke?
A: He broke his funny bone!
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste!
A skeleton walks into the hospital and said: "Doctor, Doctor, I broke my leg!" The doctor said: "I see..."