Health jokes
When you think you're depressed, but you know you're probably just using depression to be lazy and self-loathing, but then you realize that it, in itself, might actually be a symptom of depression.
Well gang, it looks like we've got another mystery on our hands!
You know how sometimes you want to listen to music?
But everything you listen to is just supremely unsatisfying, even if it's songs you usually love; they are just so unappealing, and you have no idea what you actually want to listen to.
Grandpa: "Sonny, let me tell you something. There's only one damn thing in this whole world worse than Alzheimer's."
Boy: "What's that?"
Grandpa: "What's what?"
Where is the most dangerous place for a human being to be?
In the womb of a woman who wants to abort her unborn baby. 😢
A guy stuffed some cigarettes up his eyes thinking it would make him see colors.
The next day, he could see only one color... black.
Why can't orphans smoke?
They don't have parents ._.
What zodiac sign has no hair?
Cancer.
What’s a lung’s favorite type of exercise?
Breathing exercises.
I told this to my English teacher, and he said it to the class, and no one laughed. Someone help!
I reached into my pocket and pulled out a rectal thermometer and thought,
"Some asshole has my pen!"
Thing 1: What's the difference between nuts and almonds?
Thing 2: I don't know, what?
Thing 1: One gets hard faster.
What did the deaf, dumb, and blind orphan get for Christmas?
Cancer.
What did the cancer doctor say?
You just got a new Christmas present—cancer!
One tonsil said to the other tonsil, “We must be in San Juan Capistrano, here comes another swallow.”
What do my little brother and a vagina have in common?
They both ooze blood 🩸 when punched.
A guy does not know anything. Oh, wait, he has dementia.
A man bought steroids from Amazon.com... He was expecting a big package to come!
So, my son is into astronomy, and he asked how stars die. I said, "Usually overdose."
"Jack and Jill went home because he was sick because of the virus in town, gave him a frown, and his arms were pricked."
TRUE STORY!
X-Ray Tech: I broke my arm and went to the hospital. The X-Ray Tech was the hottest blonde I've ever seen.
I threw her ass down on the X-Ray table, ripped her clothes off, ripped off mine and I jumped on top of her!
Then I put the X-ray machine on top of us, turned it on and I looked up on the X-ray monitor and I watched and saw my sperm swimming up inside her!
What did the tissue wear?
A shoe.