Health jokes

Thing 1: What's the difference between nuts and almonds?

Thing 2: I don't know, what?

Thing 1: One gets hard faster.

What did the deaf, dumb, and blind orphan get for Christmas?

Cancer.

What did the cancer doctor say?

You just got a new Christmas present—cancer!

One tonsil said to the other tonsil, “We must be in San Juan Capistrano, here comes another swallow.”

What do my little brother and a vagina have in common?

They both ooze blood 🩸 when punched.

A guy does not know anything. Oh, wait, he has dementia.

A man bought steroids from Amazon.com... He was expecting a big package to come!

So, my son is into astronomy, and he asked how stars die. I said, "Usually overdose."

"Jack and Jill went home because he was sick because of the virus in town, gave him a frown, and his arms were pricked."

TRUE STORY!

X-Ray Tech: I broke my arm and went to the hospital. The X-Ray Tech was the hottest blonde I've ever seen.

I threw her ass down on the X-Ray table, ripped her clothes off, ripped off mine and I jumped on top of her!

Then I put the X-ray machine on top of us, turned it on and I looked up on the X-ray monitor and I watched and saw my sperm swimming up inside her!

What did the tissue wear?

A shoe.

What does a pregnant lady and pigs have in common?

They're both fat.

I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it! 😌

My therapist told me time heals all wounds, so I stabbed him.

Then I waited for the results.

Would you rather:

Fight Mike Tyson

Or

Lick an elephant's butt after it took a crap with diarrhea?

Would you rather eat a girl out who has: herpes, COVID, and AIDS while she is on her period?

Or eat live worms, bats, and mice?

Would you rather have a menstrual period with horrible cramps for 200 days straight (including men)?

Or eat 10 lbs of dog s**t every day for 100 days?

My friend was in a wheelchair, so I rolled him in fire. Now I call him Hot Wheels.

Yo mama so stupid that she had an appointment with Dr. Pepper.

What do you call someone who wants to jump off a building?

Cause they want to become Super Man.