Health jokes
Why did the lil kid cut himself?
Answer: Because he was emo, HAHHHAHAHAHAAHHA!
I went to a depressed person and said, "Do you wanna hang with me?"
You're so fat that when you were born, the nurse mistook you for the father.
What is the difference between a priest and anesthesia?
The anesthesia takes time to put you under.
Me running out of the hospital after telling COVID patients to stay "positive."
My grandfather says I'm too reliant on technology, so I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
Q. What do rapists fear more than rabies?
A. Rape babies.
Bitches do be so flat, you would think they have breast cancer.
I saw a girl at my job and we ended up fucking, then the test came back and I have hives from my sister.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I've got genital warts, Soon you will, too!
A doctor walks into his office and looks his patient in the eyes, "Sir, you have to stop jerking off."
The man asks, "Why?"
The doctor then says, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
What do 9/11 and Covid-19 both have in common?
Asians caused them both!
What do you call an epileptic kid eating fruits?
A blender.
What do you call a Downey with glasses?
No, me neither.
Fella walks past a mental hospital; they're all out in the garden behind this big fence, all shouting "13, 13, 13, 13," etc., over and over again.
This fella is intrigued, sees a little hole in the fence, looks through it... gets fucking poked straight in the eye!
Then they all start singing, "14, 14, 14, 14, 14, 14!"
What did the bird do when he ate the expired worm?
He flew up!
1.) What’s yellow and can’t swim?
- A bus full of children.
2.) Did you hear about the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
- He died of a yeast infection.
3.) I will never forget my grandad’s last words...
- “You’re still holding the ladder, right?”
4.) I have a fish that can breakdance...
- Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.
5.) Give a man a match and he will be warm for a few hours...
- Light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
What do you call an epileptic kid on cocaine?
An earthquake.
The first rule of the Alzheimer’s club is...
Wait, where are we again?
Am I the only one here that actually tried to kill myself 15 times and failed every time and landed up in the hospital every time?