Health jokes
How do skeletons get COVID?
From the coffin!
Why did the wheels not move on his wheelchair?
Because he had no legs.
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
POOP!
Don't say "stay positive" to the wrong doctor.
Bestie Hannah heard that bestie Iz had a migraine! What did she do? She said, "My grains don’t hurt that much, at least not when the animals eat them!"
Me: spreading positivity.
Everyone else at the HIV testing center.
What do you call onions and beans?
Tear gas.
Comment if you're not vaccinated and don't plan to be!
Fe fi foung better run and hide: Covid (really).
I walked into the doctor's surgery and he said to me, "Pick a star sign, any star sign." I said, "Capricorn." He said, "Nah, you got cancer."
- All over it like a fat kid on a cupcake.
- Giggling like a room full of fat kids.
- Drinking 8 cups of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers and 3 shots in 3 hours goes down like a fat kid on a seesaw.
A man walks into a bar.
He had to have 13 stitches!
Yo mama's so fat, I run around her for exercise.
What's the most difficult thing about being a pediatric surgeon?
Keeping the scalpel steady while masturbating.
So I suggested to my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back...
Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.
I am thinking of removing my spine.
It's only holding me back.
A common question I get as a doctor is, do vaccines cause autism? Well!, I was vaccinated, so.....
What do you call a group of depressed people?
Suicide squad.
What did Lucy say when she saw her sonogram?
"Looks like a rerun."
What's the most expensive haircut?
Chemotherapy.