I’m a cashier at a grocery store, and when I’m bored, I draw on my hands with a pen. Well, this guy walks up to me and says, “You know, I got mental illnesses from drawing on myself.”
And so, without thinking, I said, “Well, I’ve already got those, so I think I’m fine...” 😳 He looked concerned. Oops lol.
Me after Taco Bell: Go to: [link to image of broken toilet]
Joe Biden doesn’t follow his own f**king mask mandate.
If I have ligma and you have ligma, how about you ligma balls? 😏 (It’s all about how you pronounce the end.)
Never take a person canoeing or kayaking if they had a cerebrovascular accident.
They’ll hear the one word they hate the most: “STROKE, STROKE, STROKE!”
When you think you're depressed, but you know you're probably just using depression to be lazy and self-loathing, but then you realize that it, in itself, might actually be a symptom of depression.
Well gang, it looks like we've got another mystery on our hands!
You know how sometimes you want to listen to music?
But everything you listen to is just supremely unsatisfying, even if it's songs you usually love; they are just so unappealing, and you have no idea what you actually want to listen to.
Grandpa: "Sonny, let me tell you something. There's only one damn thing in this whole world worse than Alzheimer's."
Boy: "What's that?"
Grandpa: "What's what?"
Where is the most dangerous place for a human being to be?
In the womb of a woman who wants to abort her unborn baby. 😢
A guy stuffed some cigarettes up his eyes thinking it would make him see colors.
The next day, he could see only one color... black.
Why can't orphans smoke?
They don't have parents ._.
What zodiac sign has no hair?
Cancer.
What’s a lung’s favorite type of exercise?
Breathing exercises.
I told this to my English teacher, and he said it to the class, and no one laughed. Someone help!
I reached into my pocket and pulled out a rectal thermometer and thought,
"Some asshole has my pen!"
Thing 1: What's the difference between nuts and almonds?
Thing 2: I don't know, what?
Thing 1: One gets hard faster.
What did the deaf, dumb, and blind orphan get for Christmas?
Cancer.
What did the cancer doctor say?
You just got a new Christmas present—cancer!
One tonsil said to the other tonsil, “We must be in San Juan Capistrano, here comes another swallow.”
What do my little brother and a vagina have in common?
They both ooze blood 🩸 when punched.
A guy does not know anything. Oh, wait, he has dementia.
