Health jokes

Uma Thurman's optometrist must have wide glasses sometimes.

What do dentists call their x-rays?

Tooth picks.

When I walk to school, I fart.

What do you do to a pregnant lady on a step?

Push 'em.

Some kid in a wheelchair called me fat.

I told her, "Do a wheelie!"

Your mama is so stupid, she made an appointment with Dr. Pepper.

Heyyy, in the last six months, [I had] 4 suicide attempts, broke up with 3 girls, and my mom went on drugs.

I'd make a joke about epilepsy, but the computer started flashing.

I want to make a joke about old age, but I'm too senile to finish it.

A boy went to a doctor, and the doctor said, "I can't treat you." The boy asked why, and the doctor said, "Because I'm a family doctor."

Have you ever heard about the new virus in China? It's called Hupun.

Hupun DEEZ NUTS!

Taking you to go grocery shopping does have its perks... You get to scan their wrists for discounts!

What did the bird go to the hospital for?

For tweetment!

Doctor: I’m going to have to turn you away.

Orphan: But why?

Doctor: Because I’m a family doctor.

What do you call a kid with Down syndrome trying to beat Minecraft?

“A sped runner.”

What do Hiroshima and Nagasaki share in common with balls?

They both drop.

*Breaking News!* - Apparently the first person in Melbourne has died because of the Coronavirus. In his house they found 1000 cans of food, 50 kilos of pasta, 80 kilos of rice, 300 toilet rolls and 50L of hand sanitiser which he had panic purchased from the supermarket and stockpiled "just in case".

The whole lot collapsed and buried him.

I bought my son a wheelchair for his birthday—turns out he couldn’t get in it.

So little Johnny was walking to the bathroom, and he said, "Grandma," said, "why is the blood coming out of your ###😥 I need to call help."

What should people do with their floppy dicks?

I give them a good wiggle waggle to raise awareness of something!