The Queen: "I've had a few medical problems this year. I'm so old that my pussy is haunted!"
Leukophobic people don’t have sex. Leukophobia is the fear of white.
If I eat a poisonous potato, it attacks my immune system and I die.
But if I poison a poisonous potato, then eat it, then I won't die because the potato is already dead and can't attack my immune system.
Give a man a potato, he is full for a day.
Give a man a poisoned potato, he'll be full for the rest of his life.
If you have an overdose on a drug and die, then half of the least dose would be a lifetime supply.
My doctor said I could have up to 20 units a week. But now I've eaten half of my kitchen.
Nope, should've gone to Specsavers.
Would you mind just peeing into this cup, please? It's the one the annoying receptionist uses.
One of my friends named Jill had a drug overdose.
She didn’t have any of that drug after that. For the rest of her life, she acted very high. When she died, it was because of natural causes, not the drug. So this proves that a lethal dose is also a life time supply.
And the winner of the Tour de France is awarded, as ever, with the yellow jersey.
To remind him what color his piss is meant to be.
Well, we've removed all of the excess fat from your body, and all that's left, I'm afraid, is the wig, Mrs. Trump.
I used to have a phobia of pogo sticks. Those things always made me jump.
A man comes into the pharmacy to get a flu shot. The pharmacy nurse prepares one of the shots. The man gets the shot, and the nurse cleans the shot area.
The next day, the man comes back and gets another shot. Before he paid, the nurse said, “Don’t you realize if you get another shot you may die from overdose?” The man said, “Don’t you realize if you don’t shut up I’ll give you a shot of lead?” The nurse got scared and quit her job.
The nurse was relaxing, looking for a vacation to book, when all of a sudden she hears an odd noise. It sounds like someone cocking a gun. The man was hiding behind the nurses bushes. “In return for you giving me shots, here are yours,” said the man as he was chuckling like a psycho. The man shot the nurse in the leg so she couldn’t escape, then he shot her left hand, which is the lady’s dominant hand, so she couldn’t call the cops. For the finishing move, the man curb stomped the fucking life out of her until her head was as flat as paper.
9 years later......
All along, this man, this psycho, escaped a mental hospital. He went on mass genocide, killing 20,000 people in just 3 years. This man is more than human, more than alien, more than god himself. It was Satan reborn.
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
For Hispanic attacks.
Doctor: Tomorrow is like John Cena, you won’t see it.
I asked my teacher if I needed to be in the special ED class, but she said I don’t eat enough vegetables.
What couldn’t the boy in the wheelchair do when he saw a bully? He couldn’t stand up for himself.
What can you catch but not throw?
A cold!
When a fat person steps on a scale, it says: “To be continued.”
When a fat person wants to kill themselves, why are they so worried? The diabetes will get to them sooner or later!
