Health jokes
What do you call a Downey with glasses?
No, me neither.
Fella walks past a mental hospital; they're all out in the garden behind this big fence, all shouting "13, 13, 13, 13," etc., over and over again.
This fella is intrigued, sees a little hole in the fence, looks through it... gets fucking poked straight in the eye!
Then they all start singing, "14, 14, 14, 14, 14, 14!"
What did the bird do when he ate the expired worm?
He flew up!
1.) What’s yellow and can’t swim?
- A bus full of children.
2.) Did you hear about the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
- He died of a yeast infection.
3.) I will never forget my grandad’s last words...
- “You’re still holding the ladder, right?”
4.) I have a fish that can breakdance...
- Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.
5.) Give a man a match and he will be warm for a few hours...
- Light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
What do you call an epileptic kid on cocaine?
An earthquake.
The first rule of the Alzheimer’s club is...
Wait, where are we again?
Am I the only one here that actually tried to kill myself 15 times and failed every time and landed up in the hospital every time?
Uma Thurman's optometrist must have wide glasses sometimes.
What do dentists call their x-rays?
Tooth picks.
When I walk to school, I fart.
What do you do to a pregnant lady on a step?
Push 'em.
Some kid in a wheelchair called me fat.
I told her, "Do a wheelie!"
Your mama is so stupid, she made an appointment with Dr. Pepper.
Heyyy, in the last six months, [I had] 4 suicide attempts, broke up with 3 girls, and my mom went on drugs.
I'd make a joke about epilepsy, but the computer started flashing.
I want to make a joke about old age, but I'm too senile to finish it.
A boy went to a doctor, and the doctor said, "I can't treat you." The boy asked why, and the doctor said, "Because I'm a family doctor."
Have you ever heard about the new virus in China? It's called Hupun.
Hupun DEEZ NUTS!
Taking you to go grocery shopping does have its perks... You get to scan their wrists for discounts!
What did the bird go to the hospital for?
For tweetment!