Health jokes
Me: I broke me bum.
Dad: Oh, that is bad. I will get some Pooh in the toilet so I can heal your bum.
Attention to everyone, I'm not going to be on for 2 weeks because I was in a bike accident, or more like a motorcycle accident. I was ran off the road when my 16 year old brother was taking me for a ride. Now I can't use my legs cause, well, you know. I will be taking a break because I don't want to move my legs that much.
Which is the best sport at making fat people lose weight?
Canned hunting.
I saw a guy beat his girlfriend to a pulp after his girlfriend threw a phone in his face. I offered to call an ambulance, but he said he was fine.
My doctor told me, "Time heals wounds."
So I stabbed him.
Now we wait...
What's something the same about a depressed kid and a hanger? They both like to hang.
Son: Dad, what are those two huge balloons on mommy's chest?
Dad: I don't see balloons, but I see boobs. I mean, yes, balloons.
Son: Are you sure they're balloons? Yesterday I heard Uncle Frank trying to get a milk dispenser working.
I go to Venice to get a bigger penis.
Kids- it's time for Dora.
Kids- YAY!
Nick Jr. host- Today Dora is going on a big adventure with Grandma.
Swiper- Hello kids, I am trying to find my way to Diego's. Will you please help me?
Kids- Where's Dora?
Swiper- She's under cardiac arrest.
Kids- Poor Dora.
Everybody- SWIPER NO SWIPING!
Swiper - AH MAN!!
My dad said I need to eat more. I don't know why, but his fat ass needs to stop eating.
My friend was told by her doctor that she was morbidly obese.
As if she doesn't have enough on her plate.
Somebody give me a peanut. I just ate an EpiPen.
What's autism! My name is Dee Snutz!
You're so skinny, if someone farts in your direction, you will fly away.
What's the difference between my dad and cancer?
Cancer doesn't leave.
What's something similar between a clogged pipe and a pregnant woman?
You fix both with a coat hanger.
The CCP have managed to achieve in making Covid last longer than the Great Wall of China.
The CCP should be pleased. COVID is the longest thing to have ever been made in China.
Cancer kids be like: "When I grow up... lol nevermind."
This joke never gets old. Just like the child.
Yo mama so fat, she needs to go to the gym.