Health jokes

What do you call a group of depressed people?

Sue-icide squad.

Why did the autistic kid walk across a busy road?

He was chasing his mind and got hit by a car.

Sometimes I look at someone I hate and think, "I hope you get laid tonight."

By a tweaker with AIDS.

You have to have real balls to face prostate cancer.

Just not for long!

My friend has ligma...

Lick ma balls!

Every hair zodiac has a hairstyle--except Cancer.

Yo momma so fat, her ankle broke and gravy poured out.

What did the kid with Parkinson's drink for breakfast?

Milkshake.

I never liked unnatural adult stars with implants and face surgeries because they look photoshopped, and they always need a ton of lube to get into due to how plastic they are.

Me: I broke me bum.

Dad: Oh, that is bad. I will get some Pooh in the toilet so I can heal your bum.

Attention to everyone, I'm not going to be on for 2 weeks because I was in a bike accident, or more like a motorcycle accident. I was ran off the road when my 16 year old brother was taking me for a ride. Now I can't use my legs cause, well, you know. I will be taking a break because I don't want to move my legs that much.

Which is the best sport at making fat people lose weight?

Canned hunting.

I saw a guy beat his girlfriend to a pulp after his girlfriend threw a phone in his face. I offered to call an ambulance, but he said he was fine.

My doctor told me, "Time heals wounds."

So I stabbed him.

Now we wait...

What's something the same about a depressed kid and a hanger? They both like to hang.

Son: Dad, what are those two huge balloons on mommy's chest?

Dad: I don't see balloons, but I see boobs. I mean, yes, balloons.

Son: Are you sure they're balloons? Yesterday I heard Uncle Frank trying to get a milk dispenser working.

I go to Venice to get a bigger penis.

Kids- it's time for Dora.

Kids- YAY!

Nick Jr. host- Today Dora is going on a big adventure with Grandma.

Swiper- Hello kids, I am trying to find my way to Diego's. Will you please help me?

Kids- Where's Dora?

Swiper- She's under cardiac arrest.

Kids- Poor Dora.

Everybody- SWIPER NO SWIPING!

Swiper - AH MAN!!

My dad said I need to eat more. I don't know why, but his fat ass needs to stop eating.

My friend was told by her doctor that she was morbidly obese.

As if she doesn't have enough on her plate.