Hand jokes

Teacher: Who here has thought about committing suicide?

Half of the class: *raises hand*

Teacher: ...

The half of the class: *Starts talking about how they were thinking of doing it*

I got kicked out of Social Studies class when my teacher made us watch a women's rights documentary. When he asked us what the genre of the film was, I put my hand up and said "Fiction."

What did the woman with no hands get for Christmas? No idea. She hasn't opened her present yet.

I got a handjob from a blind woman the other day. She said, "It's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand." I said, "No love, you're just pulling my leg."

What's green and smells like pork? Kermit's finger.

What's the only time you can do almost whatever you want?

When you have a gun in your hand.

They say masturbation is better with a dead arm. Apparently, I ruined that funeral.

A German, an Australian, and a Mexican are on a plane. They say that they can tell where they are by sticking their hands out of the pane.

The German sticks his hand out and says, "We are in Germany." The others ask, "How do you know?" The German says, "Because it's so cold."

Then the Australian sticks his hand out and says, "We are in Australia." The others ask, "How do you know?" He replies, "Because it's so warm."

Then the Mexican sticks his hand out and back in. He says, "We are in Mexico." The others ask, "How do you know?" He says, "Because my watch is gone."

6:30 is the best time on a clock... hands down.

What did the kid without hands get for Christmas? - I don't know, he still didn't open his present...

Why did Helen Keller burn her hands?

Because she was trying to read the waffle iron.

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts,' which, on one hand, is great, but on the other, it's just not right.

When a mute girl gives a hand job, is it oral?

Q: Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?

A: So she can moan with the other.

How do you stop a baby from crawling around in a circle on the floor?

You nail its other hand to the floor.

Apparently, as a 4-year-old, Hitler was saved from drowning in the river Passau by a local priest.

Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.

what's the difference between my hand and my blade? my hand isn't sharp.

I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand. -- It's seven.

What caused Captain Hook's death?

He accidentally used the wrong hand to wipe his ass.

Little Johnny walked into the bathroom while his dad was taking a dump. As soon as Little Johnny walked in, his dad let out a big FART! Little Johnny said, “WHAT WAS THAT?” His dad said, “That was the sound of the north wind.” The next day his teacher asked the class, “What’s the direction of the north wind?” Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher called on him and he said, “TEACH IT’S MY DADDY’S BOOTY!”