Hand jokes
How does Hellen Keller drive?
With one hand on the wheel and the other on the road.
I was with my blind friend, and he's telling me, "Yeah, I can read braille." So I hand him a Lego brick and ask him to read it. Apparently, Lego has been hiding a dark secret from us for years; as all their bricks read, "Screw you, asshole."
"When I was a child, my blind mother taught me hand jobs, like carpentry and painting with her legs."
I'll never forget my brother's last words: "Why is there a revolver in your hand?"
I have a green ball in one hand and one in the other. What am I holding?
Shrek's dick.
Armless guy: Even though I don’t have arms, I can do anything you normal people can do.
Me: 🎵If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands! 🎶
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.
Why is it that every time I masturbate, things get out of hand?
I went to help an amputated girl, but she didn't have a hand for me to grab.
Why was the astronaut washing her hands?
She was getting ready to eat launch.
Why did Helen Keller burn her hands?
Because she was trying to read the waffle iron.
My sister's boyfriend was coming around for Christmas Day. He had the option of two birds to tuck into: Turkey or Goose.
I said, "Are you not satisfied with my sister, who is literally handing herself on a plate to you?!"
Orphan lady: Ok kids, someone donated groceries.
Orphans: YAY!
5 minutes later...
Orphans: Wait... where's the...
Orphan lady: *tries to hold daughter*
Person who donated: *holds milk in hand* hehe
When is it bedtime in the Jacksons' house?
When the big hand 🖐 meets the little 🤚.
A couple is sitting down, holding hands, and having a picnic after their wedding when the husband's friend walks over and says,
"Jenny and Jonathan sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes abrupt, tragic miscarriage! Then comes blame. Then comes despair, two hearts damaged, beyond repair. Johnathan leaves Jenny, and writes on the tree: D-I-V-O-R-C-E."
You look like the type of guy to wash his/her hands after a shower! (And don't write in the comments that there are more than 2 genders.)
Little Jonny Bad Ass was sitting on a porch one day, and a preacher was in the house. Little Jonny Bad Ass had to use the bathroom, so he bangs on the door saying, "Mom, I have to use the bathroom!" His mom says wait. So Little Jonny Bad Ass saw a hat on the step. He looks around, pulls his pants down, and shits in the hat.
A few later, the preacher comes out and says, "I see you have my hat!" Little Jonny Bad Ass says, "Yeah, I caught the world's fastest bird!" The preacher says, "Well, let me see him!" Little Jonny Bad Ass says, "No, I don't know." Well, the preacher says, "I'll put my hands by the hat, you lift, and I'll catch him!" Little Jonny Bad Ass lifted the hat and the preacher clapped his hands, and Little Jonny Bad Ass says, "Now see the bird don't shit," and ran.
Why does Sonic wear gloves? Because his hands are cold.
How do you know your acne is getting out of hand? The blind start reading your face.
I can't decide which side to take on abortion; on one hand it kills babies and on the other it gives women a choice...