I was with my blind friend, and he’s telling me “Yeah I can read braille”. So I hand him a Lego brick and ask him to read it. Apparently, Lego has been hiding a dark secret from us for years; as all their bricks read “Screw you, asshole”

Helen Keller fell down a well she screamed and screamed until she was blue in the hands

The teacher asked her class to use definitely in a sentence. Little Johnny raised his hand to answer, yet the teacher passed him and went on to Kevin. “The sky is definitely blue.” “Very good Kevin,but the sky can also be blue or black.” the teacher replied. Little Johnny raised his hand again as high as he could, yet the teacher passed right over him. And picked Annie from the back of the room. “The grass is definitely green.” “Very good Annie, but it can also be brown.” Little Johnny was waving his hand like crazy seeking her attention. Finally she called on him. “Mines more of a question, but do farts have lumps in them?” “Why no Johnny why would you ask such a question?” She questioned. “Well if they don’t have lumps in them, then I definitely just shit myself.”

How did Hellen Keller’s parents punish her? They handed her a basketball as told her to “read this book”.

Why can’t the T-Rex clap his hands? Because he is DEAD.

How do you make a orphan’s hands bleed?

You tell them to clap till they’re parents come home

How do you stop a baby from crawling around in circles?

You nail its other hand to the ground.

Why did the cow jump over the moon? Because the farmer had cold hands!

I can’t decide which side to take on abortion; on one hand it kills babies and on the other it gives women a choice …

What’s the worse thing about having a congolese friend?

He always needs a hand.

imagine the russians showing up late to the 1917 revoloution with a tsarbucks in hand. they were late so I guess they weren’t russian. They were probaly stalin.

Last halloween i went dressed as a woman. When i rang the doorbell an elderly woman opened and i made grunting noise and knocked the bowl of candy out of her hands. She immediately called the police and told them excactly what happened. The officer pulled me aside and asked me a few questions. First he asked are your parents here and i said nothing. Concerned by my answer he then asked if i was ok so i said nothing. He asked me what my name and i responded, "Hellen Keller.

What did the octopus say to the other? Let’s hold hands by hands by hands by hands by hands by hands by hands by hands.

What did the robber say to the clock?

Hands up!

An old woman goes to the doctor complaining of extremely smelly gas. “I don’t understand it, Doc”, she said, “I have this terrible, terrible gas”. “Thankfully”, she added, “they are at least silent when I fart”. Doctor hands her a bottle of pills, tells her take them all and then come back to see him. The old woman returned a short time later extremely mad. “I took those pills like you said and not only is my gas smelly, but now when I fart they are obnoxiously loud!”, she yelled. The doctor said, “well, now that we’ve solved your hearing problem, let’s see what we can do about that gas”.

Did you hear about the blind prostitute? Well, you gotta hand it to her.

How do you get a baby to stop crawling in circles? You nail its other hand to the floor.

How come Leper’s don’t play cards? Well, if they lose a couple hands…

An orphan made an Instagram, he did not know what that symbol was on the bottom left hand corner

What’s brown and hurts your teeth?

A chocolate?

No. A baseball bat in my hands.

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