Hand jokes
Tell an orphan: if you got no parents, clap your hands.
How do you get an orphan's hands to bleed?
Tell him to clap until his parents come home!
Why don't lesbians like dick? Because they don't want their mouths looking like Jesus Christ's hands.
Why was the astronaut washing her hands?
She was getting ready to eat launch.
What do you call a man with no hands? Clapless.
Q: Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
A: So she can moan with the other.
What did Hellen Keller do when she fell in a hole?
She screamed until her hands got tired.
In Ohio, people walk with their hands.
If I were addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex, would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?
Q. When is it bedtime at Jeffrey Epstein's house? A. When the big hand touches the little hand.
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
'What does it look like?' she finally asked. The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has you picture on it.'
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop..."
What is 6-inch long, in every men's pants or hands, and girls want?
- A smartphone, freak.
I go in to get a prostate exam. I'm nervous, but the doctor says it's all natural and needs to be done.
So he pulls down my pants and sticks one finger up my ass. I feel it go deeper inside, feeling for abnormalities.
That's when I realize his hands are on my shoulders.
In the realm of Danny, Ben, and Paxton, A trio of souls intertwined, Their stories woven with grace and might, A tale of friendship, ethereal and fine.
Danny, the dreamer with stars in his eyes, Chasing visions that danced in his mind, With every thought, a world he'd create, A poet, an artist, one of a kind.
Ben Power, the steadfast, a force to behold, With strength that could move mountains high, His heart, a fortress, unyielding and bold, A protector, a guardian, forever nigh.
Paxton, the wanderer, a spirit untamed, Roaming free wherever the wind blew, In every step, a new adventure claimed, A seeker, a nomad, forever anew.
Together they stood, a harmonic blend, Different paths converging as one, In the depths of their bond, a love unfurled, A symphony played, forever sung.
Through trials and triumphs, they faced the storm, Hand in hand, against the tempest's might, With laughter, tears, and hearts so warm, They shared the darkness, embracing the light.
Oh, Danny, Ben, and Paxton, forever bound, Through the pages of life, your stories unfold, In the tapestry of friendships profound, Your spirits, like poetry, forever bold.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please hold its hand.
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.
I am armed with an automatic 4-OXD 22. caliber machine gun. HANDS IN THE AIR!
One time, I worked at 3 jobs at the same time and my boss said it was illegal.
It got too out of hand and I got spanked.
When I was scrolling through Instagram, my brother said, "Touch grass," but I was drinking matcha, so I opened the cap, poured it all over my hands, and rubbed it all over him.
An Irishman, Englishman, and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness.
Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.
The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away, and demands another pint.
The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.
The Irishman reaches into the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers, and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"