Hand jokes

Trump likes to grab 'em by the pussy. Putin likes to grab them by their tiny hands.

When you have to get your prostate checked and you can feel the cold rubber of the glove, but you realize both the doctor's hands are on your shoulders.

A man walks into a bar with an alligator. He says to the bartender, "I have a deal, if I can hold my dick in the alligator's mouth for a minute without it biting, you owe me one drink." And so the bartender agreed.

The man, like he said, had his dick in the alligator's mouth for one minute without it biting, and the bartender gave him a drink. He made another deal, but for two minutes and for two drinks. Sure enough, he was able to do it and he drank his drinks. Then he did it for five minutes and five drinks. He did it and drank his drinks. Then he said to the amazed crowd, "Would anyone like to volunteer?" One man raised his hand. He walked up to the man with the alligator and said, "Just a warning, I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long."

What has 2 or 3 hands and is always right twice a day when it is broken?

A clock.

Why is hand holding a couple thing? Because they touch each other's genitals anyway.

Person with no arms: Even though I have no arms, I can do anything you guys can.

Me: If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. 👏👏 If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. 👏👏

Person with no arms: 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?

His hand caught on fire.

How did Helen Keller drive?

One hand on the wheel, one hand on the road.

Why do emo kids hate high fives?

They’re always left hanging.

God needed an extra two hands to make your fat ass of a mother.

Someone handed me a knife the other day and told me that it was very smart.

I made sure it didn't outsmart me.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile. "May I help you?"

"I was wondering," whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the handjobs?"

"Yes," she purrs, "I am."

The man replies, "Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

The fact I couldn't hear the announcements at my school because the boys in my advisory are clapping with no hands should be a joke just in itself. They were making sexual faces as well, oh, and don't forget the moaning they do.

A man is on his deathbed in prison by electric chair.

The man who controls the chair asks for any last words.

The prisoner replies with: “Can you hold my hand?”

One does not simply hand over a jar of dirt.

Last night I shared a bed with two of my friends because we were in a small hotel. We had strange dreams last night.

My friend on the left dreamed of getting a handjob.

So did my friend on the right.

I had a dream of skiing.

Why were her hands purple?

She heard it through the grapevine.

Did you know you don't actually wash your hands?

They wash each other while you stand there looking at them like a creep.

How did Capetian Hook kill himself? He wiped his butt with the wrong hand.

You know what I like most about people with Parkinson's... Their handshake!