Hand jokes
Have you heard about the animal that was made of a human hand?
It's an ARMadillo.
What did the man's dick say to the man?
I just can't "hand"le it!
One day I walk up to an emo kid. I realized he had a fresh cut, so I grab my hand and slap his wrist and told him, "I like ya cut, G!"
How come lepers don't play cards?
Well, if they lose a couple of hands...
Bank owner: If you want to start a bank account, I need your name.
Guy: Robin
Bank owner: Your last name?
Guy: Debank
Bank owner: Robin Debank?
Guy: Put your hands up and give me all the money!
Me when kids
My wife is an optimist. Our first night together, she handed me a Magnum XL condom. I didn’t know what to do, so I made her a balloon animal 🎈🦒.
What do Hitler and Trump have in common? They both do hand gestures.
When you have to get your prostate checked and you can feel the cold rubber of the glove, but you realize both the doctor's hands are on your shoulders.
A man walks into a bar with an alligator. He says to the bartender, "I have a deal, if I can hold my dick in the alligator's mouth for a minute without it biting, you owe me one drink." And so the bartender agreed.
The man, like he said, had his dick in the alligator's mouth for one minute without it biting, and the bartender gave him a drink. He made another deal, but for two minutes and for two drinks. Sure enough, he was able to do it and he drank his drinks. Then he did it for five minutes and five drinks. He did it and drank his drinks. Then he said to the amazed crowd, "Would anyone like to volunteer?" One man raised his hand. He walked up to the man with the alligator and said, "Just a warning, I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long."
What has 2 or 3 hands and is always right twice a day when it is broken?
A clock.
What is a Jamaican's idea of a balanced diet?
A joint in each hand.
What's one way to drain someone's ego?
Hand them a mirror, and say they should see how ugly they turned out in life.
The fact I couldn't hear the announcements at my school because the boys in my advisory are clapping with no hands should be a joke just in itself. They were making sexual faces as well, oh, and don't forget the moaning they do.
Person with no arms: Even though I have no arms, I can do anything you guys can.
Me: If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. 👏👏 If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. 👏👏
Person with no arms: 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught on fire.
Why is hand holding a couple thing? Because they touch each other's genitals anyway.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile. "May I help you?"
"I was wondering," whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the handjobs?"
"Yes," she purrs, "I am."
The man replies, "Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."
Why couldn't the T-rex clap his hands?
Because he's dead.
Someone handed me a knife the other day and told me that it was very smart.
I made sure it didn't outsmart me.
How did Helen Keller drive?
One hand on the wheel, one hand on the road.