Hand jokes
A man walks into a bar with an alligator. He says to the bartender, "I have a deal, if I can hold my dick in the alligator's mouth for a minute without it biting, you owe me one drink." And so the bartender agreed.
The man, like he said, had his dick in the alligator's mouth for one minute without it biting, and the bartender gave him a drink. He made another deal, but for two minutes and for two drinks. Sure enough, he was able to do it and he drank his drinks. Then he did it for five minutes and five drinks. He did it and drank his drinks. Then he said to the amazed crowd, "Would anyone like to volunteer?" One man raised his hand. He walked up to the man with the alligator and said, "Just a warning, I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long."
What has 2 or 3 hands and is always right twice a day when it is broken?
A clock.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile. "May I help you?"
"I was wondering," whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the handjobs?"
"Yes," she purrs, "I am."
The man replies, "Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."
God needed an extra two hands to make your fat ass of a mother.
Why do emo kids hate high fives?
They’re always left hanging.
Memes
How did Helen Keller drive?
One hand on the wheel, one hand on the road.
Person with no arms: Even though I have no arms, I can do anything you guys can.
Me: If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. 👏👏 If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. 👏👏
Person with no arms: 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught on fire.
Why does Sonic wear gloves? Because his hands are cold.
The companies that made the hand gel sanitizer must be absolutely rubbing their hands together!
Why did the pumpkin man not go to the party? He had his hand stuck in a treasure chest.
What can you hold in your left hand but not in your right?
Answer: Your right elbow.
I have to say that Halloween is my favorite day...
Every time they see me, kids and mothers run away...
I don’t have a costume so please don’t reprimand...
When I open up the door, I’ve got my penis in my hand.
At school in a classroom, the teacher asked the kid, “If you have one dollar and your parents give you five dollars, how much do you have?” Everyone raised their hand except one little girl.
When you are sitting outside at school and this boy comes up to you with a rock in his hand and says, "Do you know where Mrs. Stewart is at?"
Last night I shared a bed with two of my friends because we were in a small hotel. We had strange dreams last night.
My friend on the left dreamed of getting a handjob.
So did my friend on the right.
I had a dream of skiing.
Why were her hands purple?
She heard it through the grapevine.
Did you know you don't actually wash your hands?
They wash each other while you stand there looking at them like a creep.
How did Capetian Hook kill himself? He wiped his butt with the wrong hand.
You know what I like most about people with Parkinson's... Their handshake!