Hand jokes
God needed an extra two hands to make your fat ass of a mother.
Why do emo kids hate high fives?
They’re always left hanging.
How did Helen Keller drive?
One hand on the wheel, one hand on the road.
Person with no arms: Even though I have no arms, I can do anything you guys can.
Me: If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. 👏👏 If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. 👏👏
Person with no arms: 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught on fire.
Memes
Why does Sonic wear gloves? Because his hands are cold.
The companies that made the hand gel sanitizer must be absolutely rubbing their hands together!
Why did the pumpkin man not go to the party? He had his hand stuck in a treasure chest.
What can you hold in your left hand but not in your right?
Answer: Your right elbow.
I have to say that Halloween is my favorite day...
Every time they see me, kids and mothers run away...
I don’t have a costume so please don’t reprimand...
When I open up the door, I’ve got my penis in my hand.
At school in a classroom, the teacher asked the kid, “If you have one dollar and your parents give you five dollars, how much do you have?” Everyone raised their hand except one little girl.
When you are sitting outside at school and this boy comes up to you with a rock in his hand and says, "Do you know where Mrs. Stewart is at?"
Last night I shared a bed with two of my friends because we were in a small hotel. We had strange dreams last night.
My friend on the left dreamed of getting a handjob.
So did my friend on the right.
I had a dream of skiing.
Why were her hands purple?
She heard it through the grapevine.
Did you know you don't actually wash your hands?
They wash each other while you stand there looking at them like a creep.
How did Capetian Hook kill himself? He wiped his butt with the wrong hand.
You know what I like most about people with Parkinson's... Their handshake!
A blind man handed me a piece of paper. It said, "⠊⠋ ⠽⠕⠥ ⠉⠁⠝ ⠞⠗⠁⠝⠎⠇⠁⠞⠑ ⠞⠓⠊⠎ ⠽⠕⠥ ⠁⠗⠑ ⠛⠁⠽."
I have no idea how he knew.
A man is on his deathbed in prison by electric chair.
The man who controls the chair asks for any last words.
The prisoner replies with: “Can you hold my hand?”
One does not simply hand over a jar of dirt.