Helen

Anonymous

Q: Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand? A: So she can moan with the other.

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Chocolate

Anonymous

What’s brown and hurts your teeth?

A chocolate?

No. A baseball bat in my hands.

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Puns

Emily

imagine the russians showing up late to the 1917 revoloution with a tsarbucks in hand. they were late so I guess they weren’t russian. They were probaly stalin.

Baby

mia

How do you stop a baby from crawling around in circles?

You nail its other hand to the ground.

Octopus

Aaron Cantu

What did the octopus say to the other? Let’s hold hands by hands by hands by hands by hands by hands by hands by hands.

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Bartender

Sans

An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints. The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint. The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow. The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, “Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!”

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Little Johnny

Anonymous

mom, mom I’m holding my little brother’s hand … little Johnny good! but he’s not born yet

Orphan

Anonymous

An orphan made an Instagram, he did not know what that symbol was on the bottom left hand corner

Friend

Anonymous

What’s the worse thing about having a congolese friend?

He always needs a hand.

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Little Johnny

Anonymous

Theres a kid named little Johnny who would always cuss. Well one day, he was sitting in class and the teacher said “lets play a game”. so the game was she calls out a letter and someone raises her hand and tells her a word that begins with that letter. teacher says “A” little Johnny raises his hand and the teacher thinks to herself “well he might say something like a$$” so the teacher calls on sally. sally say “apple”. the teacher says “B” little Johnny raises his hand. the teacher though “no he might say something like b!tch”. so the teacher goes all the way to R. the teacher says “R” little Johnny raises his hand and say “me me please I really know one”. then the teacher thinks to herself “well theres no cuss word that starts with R” so she said “ok Johnny give me a word that starts with R” little Johnny says “a rat!” and the teacher very pleased say “very good Johnny what type of rat” little Johnny says “A big gosh damn mother freaker”. sorry I had to edit some word but y’all know what I meant.

Orphan

Kevin

How do you make a orphan’s hands bleed?

You tell them to clap till they’re parents come home

Orphan

Bye

A teacher asked his students a math question. “You have one dollar. Your parents give you five dollars. How much money do you have?”

After some thinking, about half the class raised their hands. The teacher called on a little girl in the front.

“One dollar!” she said

Little Johnny

🏳️‍🌈 Audrey 🏳️‍🌈

Little Johnny’s sister Suzy sees her mom in the shower and asks what is that between your legs? Her mom responds, “That is my garage”. The next day Suzy sees her dad in the shower and says, “What is that between your legs?” Her dad answers, “It is a motorcycle that gets parked in mommy’s garage.” The next day Suzy came to dinner with blood all over her hands. Her mom asks, “Why is there blood all over your hands Suzy?” Suzy says, " Well… little Johnny tried to put his motorcycle in my garage so I ripped its wheels off."

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Puns

joel

A man walks into the taxidermist with two monkeys. The taxidermist asked if he wanted them mounted. The man said, “No. Shaking hands will be fine.”

Orange

not sure

If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have?

Big hands.

Sally

Anonymous

So one day I was walking home from school with my best friend sally. She was worried to get home because she was going to tell her mom that bob the class rep got her pregnant a eight months ago and now it was obvious she was pregnant. So I said “sally it’ll be ok I’m sure she’ll be happy to get a grandson” “yeah thanks suzy” she said to me then went into her house. The next few weeks she didn’t show up to school so I was like oh she must be in trouble with her mom I’ll go check on her So I walk up to her house and her mom answers with a baby boy in her hands “oh hello. Is that Sally’s son!! Can I see sally?” Her mom says sure and I go inside but she leads me to the backyard and I see a tombstone “here lies sally 2004-2020” so I ask her mom in tears “oh did she not make it through the birth?” And her mom replied “you could say that…”

Blue

Anonymous

Helen Keller fell down a well she screamed and screamed until she was blue in the hands

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Prostitution

Andrew Butcher

Did you hear about the blind prostitute? Well, you gotta hand it to her.

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Nun

Stargazer

Three nuns had to go before mother Superior. The first one goes up to her and she says have you sinned? Yes I have mother I have stolen a bicycle. Okay said mother Superior okay said mother Superior say 100 holy Marys and put dip your hand in the holy water… Up comes nun number two and she says she has sinned she slept with a married man… so mother Superior says okay save 500 hail Marys and dip your hand in the holy water and go on your way the third nun comes up and she says I peed in the holy water 🤣😂🤣😂😁😁🌈

Uncle

Anonymous

What’s the similarity between your uncle and your hands? They can both do dirty things