Hand

Hand jokes

Abortion

Abortion is a difficult topic for me.

One hand I support it because it kills children.

On the other hand, it gives women a choice.

I asked for emotional support. They handed me a mirror and said, "Talk to someone who cares."

What has 2 or 3 hands and is always right twice a day when it is broken?

A clock.

My sister's boyfriend was coming around for Christmas Day. He had the option of two birds to tuck into: Turkey or Goose.

I said, "Are you not satisfied with my sister, who is literally handing herself on a plate to you?!"

Lemme tell you a little story.

It’s night. You’re in your room, trying to sleep. But you keep hearing it—scratching. Soft at first. Like fingernails on wood. You tell yourself it’s rats, or the house settling. But it keeps going. Slow... then faster.

So finally, you get outta bed. You get on your hands and knees, put your ear to the floor. And you hear it. A voice. Whispers. Crying.

Your heart’s pounding. You grab a crowbar. You pry up the floorboards. One by one. Your sweat’s dripping into the dust. The noise gets louder.

And finally... you peel back the last plank.

And you see these eyes. Wide and terrified. And a pale little face staring up at you.

BOOOOOOO!!!!

It’s Anne Frank.

My uncle is a horrible ventriloquist. He put his hand up my butt, but he told me NOT to say anything.

What’s the difference between your sister and a bowling ball?

I can only get 3 fingers in a bowling ball!

I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”

If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery... I’ll kill him with my bear hands.

The first time riding my bike was a lot like my first time having sex.

It was hot. I was sweaty, but my sister had her hands on my shoulders all the time.