Hand jokes

A burglar breaks into the home of a weapons engineer. He wants to steal some of his weapons from his strictly secured chamber. When he breaks in through the window to go into his weapons cellar, he realizes that the inventor is at home and heard him from upstairs.

The burglar shouts, "Hands up, there is no escape!" The engineer shouts, "What do you want from me?" The thief answers impatiently, "Well, what do you think? I know what you're hiding here. Get me entry to your armory, right away!" "Never in my life will I do that!" The burglar pulls out his pistol, "Either you let me in, or you go for it!"

"Well, I'll give up, I'll give you my guns. Please don't shoot me." The burglar grins gleefully, "Thank you." "I even have a gun here that I've been working on lately. You can have it." The burglar then thinks and grunts, "Okay, before you open up, you'll show me this first!"

The inventor says, "It's shooting plasma. You can test it on one of my practice goals that I've made while I'm unlocking," and points to a side room where various dummies with targets are set up. The burglar walks into the room with the targets, focuses on the red dot in the middle of the disc, and pushes off. But the gun does not fire plasma or at the target. Instead, the gun fires a bullet at the burglar. This causes him to bleed to the ground.

The engineer behind him began to laugh, "Hahaha! I knew you were falling for it! This is not a plasma gun at all; this is my latest invention, especially for burglars like you: the backward-shooting pistol."

What do you call a blonde girl standing on her hands?

A brunette with bad breath.

Abortion is a difficult topic for me.

One hand I support it because it kills children.

On the other hand, it gives women a choice.

I asked for emotional support. They handed me a mirror and said, "Talk to someone who cares."

What has 2 or 3 hands and is always right twice a day when it is broken?

A clock.

Why is it that every time I masturbate, things get out of hand?

When a deaf girl master baits, does she use the other hand to moan?

My sister's boyfriend was coming around for Christmas Day. He had the option of two birds to tuck into: Turkey or Goose.

I said, "Are you not satisfied with my sister, who is literally handing herself on a plate to you?!"

Lemme tell you a little story.

It’s night. You’re in your room, trying to sleep. But you keep hearing it—scratching. Soft at first. Like fingernails on wood. You tell yourself it’s rats, or the house settling. But it keeps going. Slow... then faster.

So finally, you get outta bed. You get on your hands and knees, put your ear to the floor. And you hear it. A voice. Whispers. Crying.

Your heart’s pounding. You grab a crowbar. You pry up the floorboards. One by one. Your sweat’s dripping into the dust. The noise gets louder.

And finally... you peel back the last plank.

And you see these eyes. Wide and terrified. And a pale little face staring up at you.

BOOOOOOO!!!!

It’s Anne Frank.

Jesus walks into a hotel, hands the inn keeper three nails and says, "Can ya put me up for the night?"

"When I was a child, my blind mother taught me hand jobs, like carpentry and painting with her legs."

I gave a blind kid a hand grenade and told him it's a beyblade.

My uncle is a horrible ventriloquist. He put his hand up my butt, but he told me NOT to say anything.

If a deaf kid swears in sign language, does his mom wash his hands with soap?

What’s the difference between your sister and a bowling ball?

I can only get 3 fingers in a bowling ball!

When a mute girl gives a hand job, is it oral?

Why is hand holding a couple thing? Because they touch each other's genitals anyway.

I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”

If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery... I’ll kill him with my bear hands.

How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?

His hand caught on fire.