Mom: It's time for sleep.
Baby: Is that what you think, huh?
Mom: *gives baby pacifier*
Baby: Nice try, hobo.
Mom: Well, I'll come back later to see if he's gone asleep.
*few hours later*
Baby: *still awake*
Mom: Why IS HE NOT ASLEEP?!
Baby: Lol, I told you nice try haha.
A shoplifter tried to rob a grocery store.
He was asked to give an "eggsplanation."
So, there is this button. There's a 50% chance you get a million dollars. There's a 50% chance that you turn into a turtle. Make them press the button, and if they give the money, you just push the orphan over, take their money, and run away because who are they going to tell? Their parents?
My favorite bartender serves drinks so strong, he gives a "get well soon" card with each one of them!
Moto Moto, stop giving the baby your d*ck!
Why did Michael Jackson divorce LMP? She didn't want to give him kids.
Q: What kinda bees give milk?
A: Boobees.
Did you hear about the man who swallowed his watch?
He went to the doctor hoping he could give him something to help pass the time.
"Give me 5 cents and I’ll grant you a wish."
Ok.
"Thank you, what is your wish?"
I wish for my 5 cents back.
"Never going to give you up." That's not what the orphan's parents said.
If you're here for a cheap laugh about suicide, I'll give you some real killer jokes!
Why did the black lady give the IRS a mason jar full of watermelon seeds?
Tax credit.
If I had to rate the attack on the Twin Towers from the Muslims, I'd give it a 9/11.
"What do you give a man that has everything? Penicillin."
How do you kill a retard?
Give them a knife and say, "Who's special?"
Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."
Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades, and they will stop."
My girlfriend used to give the best blowjobs, then she grew teeth.
A man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of money, and he asks the bartender what's up with that jar of money.
Bartender says you gotta do 3 tasks. He takes the shot of Jack, and the customer says, "What are the tasks?" He says, "The 1st one is, well the 1st 1 is, I got about a 12' gator in the back that's got a bad tooth, and you gotta pull it." He says, "All right, what's the 2nd 1?" He said, "I got a big old girl upstairs that ain't had no loving in a long time, you gotta make her smile." He takes another shot of Jack. He said, "All right, what's the 3rd 1?" He said, "You see that horse outside, you gotta make him laugh and cry."
Guy goes upstairs, goes out back, comes out to the front, comes back in. The other customer said, "Give him the jar." The guy says, "I took care of that lady's tooth, and I made that alligator smile."
"Well how'd you make the horse laugh?" he said. "Easy, I told him I had a bigger deck then him."
Bartender says, "How did you make him cry?" He said, "Easy, I showed him."
My joke: You have to guess, answers come at 3:00. Why did the cow jump into space?
Hint... it smelled its favorite food 🍱 and saw its future!
That hint was technically the whole answer. Can you guess in 3 hours? Lol, I will be posting every time, and my giveaway starts at 5:00: my mega fly ride bat dragon 🐉 and five jungle eggs.
I had to give up my vegetarian diet.
Turns out they're a lot harder to catch than cows.
