Give jokes

So a lady was walking down the street with two bags, and one of the bags was leaking $100 bills. A cop pulls up and he says, “Ma’am, ma’am, your bag is leaking hundred dollar bills.” Then she says, “Oh, thank you. I wonder how long that’s been going on.” And the cop says, “Before I help you, may I ask why your bag is leaking $100 bills?” And the lady says, “OK, I’ll tell you. So I live next to a stadium, and I have this beautiful rose garden, but these dumb teenagers always try and pee on the rosebushes. So they stick their junk through the fence, and I grab their junk. I said, ‘$100 dollars or it’s coming off.’” The cop says, “Oh, OK, well what’s the other bag for?” And she says, “Well, not all of them want to give me $100.”

If I had to rate the attack on the Twin Towers from the Muslims, I'd give it a 9/11.

Q: What kinda bees give milk?

A: Boobees.

My favorite bartender serves drinks so strong, he gives a "get well soon" card with each one of them!

I was walking to the store, and then this boy told me, "I'm an orphan and I have no money." He wanted M\&Ms. I gave him a family-sized bag.

Why did the black lady give the IRS a mason jar full of watermelon seeds?

Tax credit.

Moto Moto, stop giving the baby your d*ck!

If you're here for a cheap laugh about suicide, I'll give you some real killer jokes!

"Never going to give you up." That's not what the orphan's parents said.

So, there is this button. There's a 50% chance you get a million dollars. There's a 50% chance that you turn into a turtle. Make them press the button, and if they give the money, you just push the orphan over, take their money, and run away because who are they going to tell? Their parents?

Mom: It's time for sleep.

Baby: Is that what you think, huh?

Mom: *gives baby pacifier*

Baby: Nice try, hobo.

Mom: Well, I'll come back later to see if he's gone asleep.

*few hours later*

Baby: *still awake*

Mom: Why IS HE NOT ASLEEP?!

Baby: Lol, I told you nice try haha.

Why should you never tell your French doctor that you bite your tongue?

Because your French doctor will give you a tetanus shot.

Why do crabs never give to charity?

Because they're all shellfish.

"Give me 5 cents and I’ll grant you a wish."

Ok.

"Thank you, what is your wish?"

I wish for my 5 cents back.

My girlfriend used to give the best blowjobs, then she grew teeth.

How do you kill a retard?

Give them a knife and say, "Who's special?"

How does a blonde punish her blind son? She takes away his TV privileges.

How does a blonde punish her deaf son? She takes away his telephone privileges.

How does a blonde punish her paraplegic son? She gives him a spanking.

I believe everything in the Bible until I read about the Jew giving out the free fish.

Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."

Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades, and they will stop."

"What do you give a man that has everything? Penicillin."