Gift jokes

I saw a depressed kid and I gave him a lamp to lighten up his day.

My daughter has been writing letters asking Satan for gifts. Imagine my shock when I realized she has dyslexia.

I heard life was a gift. Well, I hope they kept the receipt, because I'd like a mother-fucking refund!

I got a toaster for my birthday and said, "Yay, new bath bomb!"

You know why Santa's saying is "Ho Ho Ho?"

How else is he supposed to give boys and girls a baby brother or sister for Christmas?

Somebody keeps sending me flowers with their heads cut off.

I think I'm being stalked.

Don’t feel bad about this day because there’s a saying: "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present."

Your mom is so fat, when she asked, "What gift will I get?" Abuela from Encanto said, "Definitely Taco Bell!" 🌮🔔

What is an animal that kids get for Christmas and can easily give to someone else?

A white elephant.

James Bond gives all the ladies he's met the perfect birthday gift: Chlamydia.

It's quite ironic that people tell you "Happy Birthday," then they want to give you a spanking.

What did Stephen Hawking get for his B-Day?

Chocolate arm.

What does Santa say for the toys to go to bed?

"Time to hit the sack!"

What do orphans want to get for Christmas?... A mother.

Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?

Because he only comes once a year.

What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? Gloves!

Nah, just kidding... He still hasn't unwrapped his present.

What did the pretty young pre-pubescent 14 year old boy say when he got a homosexual pedophile for Christmas?

He said he was awfully touched!

So I got my son a trampoline for Christmas this year, and he was so ungrateful, like he just sat there crying in his wheelchair. What has this world come to?

What did Sally get for Easter?..

Nail polish.

So my friend's birthday was coming up, so I got him a new box to live in.