You know why Santa's saying is "Ho Ho Ho?"
How else is he supposed to give boys and girls a baby brother or sister for Christmas?
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with their heads cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.
James Bond gives all the ladies he's met the perfect birthday gift: Chlamydia.
It's quite ironic that people tell you "Happy Birthday," then they want to give you a spanking.
Don’t feel bad about this day because there’s a saying: "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present."
What is an animal that kids get for Christmas and can easily give to someone else?
A white elephant.
My daughter has been writing letters asking Satan for gifts. Imagine my shock when I realized she has dyslexia.
I saw a depressed kid and I gave him a lamp to lighten up his day.
Q: The person who makes it doesn't say what it is.
The person who receives it doesn't know what it is.
The person who knows what it is doesn't want it.
What am I?
A: A baby.
What did Stephen Hawking get for his B-Day?
Chocolate arm.
What do orphans want to get for Christmas?... A mother.
What does Santa say for the toys to go to bed?
"Time to hit the sack!"
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? Gloves!
Nah, just kidding... He still hasn't unwrapped his present.
Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?
Because he only comes once a year.
So I got my son a trampoline for Christmas this year, and he was so ungrateful, like he just sat there crying in his wheelchair. What has this world come to?
So my friend's birthday was coming up, so I got him a new box to live in.
What did Sally get for Easter?..
Nail polish.
I bought my spoiled brother a trampoline for his birthday, but he decided to sit in his wheelchair like a little bitch.
On my 21st Birthday, my mom told me, "I got a nice birthday present for you. As the son and only child, you're going to get something good, something you've been looking forward to," is what my mom said.
Me, my mom, and my only friend celebrated my Birthday, then we all went to sleep. I woke up the next day. I asked, "Hey, where's my gift you said you got me?" My mom said, "Since your father left us, you have no father figure in your life, so this is your new stepfather." The only thing is, it was my only friend.
I got my daughter a trampoline for her birthday. The ungrateful bitch just sat there in her wheelchair and cried.
