Gift jokes

So my friend's birthday was coming up, so I got him a new box to live in.

I gave my blind friend a piece of sandpaper. He said it was the most gruesome book ever.

So I got my sister shampoo for her birthday, and she stood there and threw her wig on the floor.

My lesbian friends bought me a gold timepiece for my birthday.

But, I think they got confused when I said, "I wanna watch!"

I got a toaster for my birthday and said, "Yay, new bath bomb!"

I saw a depressed kid and I gave him a lamp to lighten up his day.

My daughter has been writing letters asking Satan for gifts. Imagine my shock when I realized she has dyslexia.

Your mom is so fat, when she asked, "What gift will I get?" Abuela from Encanto said, "Definitely Taco Bell!" 🌮🔔

Don’t feel bad about this day because there’s a saying: "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present."

You know why Santa's saying is "Ho Ho Ho?"

How else is he supposed to give boys and girls a baby brother or sister for Christmas?

Somebody keeps sending me flowers with their heads cut off.

I think I'm being stalked.

What is an animal that kids get for Christmas and can easily give to someone else?

A white elephant.

James Bond gives all the ladies he's met the perfect birthday gift: Chlamydia.

It's quite ironic that people tell you "Happy Birthday," then they want to give you a spanking.

Q: The person who makes it doesn't say what it is.

The person who receives it doesn't know what it is.

The person who knows what it is doesn't want it.

What am I?

A: A baby.

I heard life was a gift. Well, I hope they kept the receipt, because I'd like a mother-fucking refund!

What did Stephen Hawking get for his B-Day?

Chocolate arm.

What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? Gloves!

Nah, just kidding... He still hasn't unwrapped his present.

My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex. Guess they misunderstood when I said I wanted to watch.

What do orphans want to get for Christmas?... A mother.