Gift jokes
What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present?
What did the woman with no hands get for Christmas? No idea. She hasn't opened her present yet.
So I asked my mom for a bath bomb, she just gave me a toaster.
I got an orphan an iPhone 6. I told him to press the home button. He has been doing it all day.
One day every kid at the orphanage got coal for Christmas. It was the second worst day of their lives.
I bought my sister a trampoline. She sat in her wheelchair and cried.
A sex addict man meets a rich man around Christmas.
The sex addict asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The sex addict asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The sex addict nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The sex addict thinks about it for a second and replies, "A gold necklace and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The sex addict astutely responds, "This way, if she doesn't like the jewelry she can go f... herself."
For a present on Christmas, I gave an orphan a phone, just without a home button.
What did the kid without hands get for Christmas? - I don't know, he still didn't open his present...
I bought my son a fridge for Christmas. I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
Two friends who've been bros for forever see each other in Wal-Mart in the card section. The first guy asks what he got his wife for her birthday. The second guy tells him he got her a Maserati and a card. The first guy tells him he got his wife a card and a dildo for her birthday.
The second guy asks why he got his wife a dildo for her birthday. The first guy says, "If she doesn't like the card I got her, then she can go fuck herself!"
When you get suspended from school for giving the deaf kid AirPods for his birthday.
What do you give a armless kid for Christmas?
Nothing because they can't open the gift.
So I got my son a trampoline for Christmas this year, and he was so ungrateful, like he just sat there crying in his wheelchair. What has this world come to?
What is worse to have - a dead baby or a dead Santa Claus?
Santa. You need extra freezers for reindeer.
God, aka Mr. Universe said he was God's gift to this earth, but where is he?
"What did the blind, dumb, paraplegic, dead, eight-year-old child get for their birthday?"
"Cancer."
I told my mother I wanted a brother for Christmas. The next day, I saw her in the strip club across the street.
Why is Santa always so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
What did the rape victim give to her rapist?
Head.