My lesbian neighbors and my sister gave me a Rolex for my birthday. I guess they misunderstood when I said I wanted a watch.
I heard life was a gift. Well, I hope they kept the receipt, because I'd like a mother-fucking refund!
I got a toaster for my birthday and said, "Yay, new bath bomb!"
My daughter has been writing letters asking Satan for gifts. Imagine my shock when I realized she has dyslexia.
You know why Santa's saying is "Ho Ho Ho?"
How else is he supposed to give boys and girls a baby brother or sister for Christmas?
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with their heads cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.
What is an animal that kids get for Christmas and can easily give to someone else?
A white elephant.
Q: The person who makes it doesn't say what it is.
The person who receives it doesn't know what it is.
The person who knows what it is doesn't want it.
What am I?
A: A baby.
What did Stephen Hawking get for his B-Day?
Chocolate arm.
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? GLOVES! Nah, just kidding... He still hasn't unwrapped his present.
What does Santa say for the toys to go to bed?
"Time to hit the sack!"
What do orphan want to get for Christmas ... a mother
So I got my son a trampoline for Christmas this year, and he was so ungrateful, like he just sat there crying in his wheelchair. What has this world come to?
What did Sally get for Easter?..
Nail polish.
So my friend's birthday was coming up, so I got him a new box to live in.
On my 21st Birthday, my mom told me, "I got a nice birthday present for you. As the son and only child, you're going to get something good, something you've been looking forward to," is what my mom said.
Me, my mom, and my only friend celebrated my Birthday, then we all went to sleep. I woke up the next day. I asked, "Hey, where's my gift you said you got me?" My mom said, "Since your father left us, you have no father figure in your life, so this is your new stepfather." The only thing is, it was my only friend.
What's the difference between an orphan and a puppy?
Parents enjoy the presents of a puppy.
I got my blind friend a TV... He never uses it.
What did the boy with no arms and no legs get for Christmas?
Cancer.
What did Santa Claus get Paris Hilton for Christmas?
He raped her.
