So my friends birthday is in a couple of day's, and I was wondering what to get him. He hangs out at my house a lot, so I suggested adoption papers'
A rich guy and a poor guy have their wedding anniversary on the same day. They meet each other at the shopping complex. The poor guy asks the rich guy "what'd you get for your wife today?" The rich guy replies " I got her a diamond ring and a mercedes" The poor guy asks "Why did you get two gifts for her?" Rich guy says "If she doesn't like the diamond ring then she can return it in her mercedes" Rich guy asks the poor guy " what'd you get for your wife" Poor guy says " I got her a pair of slippers and a dildo" Rich guy asks "why did you get two gifts for her?" The poor guy says " If she doesnt like the slippers then she can go fuck herself. "
I bought my son an Xbox in 2017 it’s now 2018 and I’m still waiting for him to open it
"What do you give a man that has everything? Penicillin."
My mom bought me a car and she called me an ungrateful b**ch because I sat in my wheelchair the whole time
I gave a gun to a blind person and told them it was a hair dryer.
You know having an uncle is a good thing sometimes! I get a pair of shoes every week. He says it’s my reward for playing the tickle game with him in his damp and dark basement. It hurts sometimes. But hey, new shoes!
life is karma... because I was born god gifted me with socially awkwardness, $#!t athletic skills, and stupidity
My lesbian friends bought me a nice watch for my birthday. I think they got confused when I said "I wanna watch"
My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex, guess they misunderstood when I said I wanted to watch
hi evyerone my mom got me an ipad today and this is really cool cna someone tell em what decapitation is
what night an aborted child want for Christmas ..... a home that isnt a bin
My mom gave me a box of chocolates and she said life is like a box of chocolates but then it kind of tastes like dog shit.
One man was very depressed cause he lost everything. He lost his job. He lost his home and he lost his wife. So he went lonely into the forest to grief. Suddenly with the head rise up he sees Santa Claus walking by. - Santa? he asks. 'Why are you early, it is not even christmas?' - ho, ho. Don't worry about me. Lets worry about you instead' says Santa. What is the problem my friend?' - I lost everything good in my life. I got fired from my job. My wife divorced me. I lost my house.' Santa: I can help you. You can wish three things you want in life and i'll give it to you-' Man: My first wish is i want my house back. Santa: Done! Man: My second wish is i want 1 million amount of cash in my bank account. Santa: Done! Man: My third wish is i also want my job back! Santa: Done, but before i actually give you those wishes, I haft to hump you. Man: Okey. Lets do it. So the Santa claus takes of his pants to hump the man. After they are done humping the santa ask the man: -How old are you? Man: I am 35 years old. Santa: And still believe in Santa Claus??!! HOHOHOHO!!!
What present can a pimp always buy his hoes to both show how much he thinks of them and know they can never get enough of?
Condoms!
Santa gives a boy a bike and a soccer ball for Christmas, this upsets the boy. Why? Answer: He has no legs..........the boy has no legs.
We should enjoy the present while it's here. Do you know why they call it the present? Because it's a gift.
i got my sister a book and she cried there but i forgot she was blind
What did the girl with no arms get for Christmas? We dunno she ain't opened it yet
There was once a young sister who never got anything good for her birthday, and she was sick of it. So one day the girl asked for a puppy, and the parents said yes. When she got the puppy, he was nice. But the puppy needed food every two minutes. The parents eventually the parents got sick of it and came up with a plan. Two weeks passed and the younger and less fat sister asked where her other sister was as she wanted to play barbies. “And also, why haven’t you been feeding the dog? He needs food you know.” The parents only answered with “oh! Yes, you can have a room all to yourself now. And about the puppy..he won’t need feeding for years.”
