Gift jokes
My wife asked me to get her a puppy. I agreed and went to an animal shelter. As I was searching for a puppy, a fire was set, and the entire animal shelter burned down.
A few hours later, I returned to my wife. She knew I had no puppies and asked why. I replied, "I couldn't find any." She understood but was upset, so I gave her something that I did get. She said, "Wow! This is good, what smokehouse did you get this at?"
My and my penis never truly understood the words "Booby traps" until we met the ex-wife. God's gift of self-will was working fine until my penis went hard and my mind went blank, and God started laughing, and I swear I heard him say, "Booby trap" as he walked away! True story.
I got my son a bike for his birthday. The ungrateful fucker just sat in his wheelchair all day crying.
Tomorrow is Christmas, and I'm giving myself a present that I can't wait to open. It's my wrist. (Yes, this was inspired by a Fall Out Boy song.)
As an Autist, I find these jokes really funny. Thanks for the early 13th birthday present, ya'll :>
I told my mother I wanted a brother for Christmas. The next day, I saw her in the strip club across the street.
My girlfriend asked me to write her a poem for Valentines Day:
Roses are red, Watches are gold. Get on your knees, And do as you're told.
What did the cancer doctor say?
You just got a new Christmas present—cancer!
A boy got a soccer ball and a bike for Christmas. Why is he sad?
He doesn’t have legs.
What did Stephen Hawking get for his B-Day?
Chocolate arm.
A sex addict man meets a rich man around Christmas.
The sex addict asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The sex addict asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The sex addict nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The sex addict thinks about it for a second and replies, "A gold necklace and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The sex addict astutely responds, "This way, if she doesn't like the jewelry she can go f... herself."
I gave my blind friend a piece of sandpaper. He said it was the most gruesome book ever.
Why didn't the boy like his Christmas presents? Hint: They were a soccer ball, bicycle, and running shoes.
What did Jenny get for her birthday after a car accident?
An amputation.
I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday.
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
What did the boy with no arms and no legs get for Christmas?
Cancer.
I heard life was a gift. Well, I hope they kept the receipt, because I'd like a mother-fucking refund!
There was this man, and he forgot about his wife's birthday. She was very upset and said that her present should come as fast as 1-200 by tomorrow. When she woke up, she saw a present in the bathroom. It was a scale.
Random person: "What's one thing your ex gave you that you can't get rid of?"
Man: *Shows a picture of his child.*
There was once a young sister who never got anything good for her birthday, and she was sick of it. So one day the girl asked for a puppy, and the parents said yes.
When she got the puppy, he was nice, but the puppy needed food every two minutes. The parents eventually got sick of it and came up with a plan. Two weeks passed and the younger and less fat sister asked where her other sister was as she wanted to play Barbies. “And also, why haven’t you been feeding the dog? He needs food, you know.” The parents only answered with “Oh! Yes, you can have a room all to yourself now. And about the puppy...he won’t need feeding for years.”