Get jokes

What do you get when you cross a priest with a toilet?

Holy shit.

How to get 1000 followers on Instagram?

Run through Africa with a bottle of water.

Dark humor is like a boy with cancer.

They never get old.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the idiot's door.

Knock, knock!

It's the chicken.

What would Stephen Hawking do to get drunk?

Overcharge himself.

What does dark humor and a child with cancer have in common?

That it will never get old.

How do Chinese people get their names? Their parents throw woks down the stairs and name their children after the sound it makes.

When we die we get sent to heaven, but when Stephen Hawking died, he was sent to the cloud.

What do you get when you cross an eagle with a lion?

A griffin.

If you ever get bored, just punch an orphan. I mean, what are they gonna do? Tell their parents?

I was out ice fishing and had no nibbles all morning.

About noon, this old guy comes out, drills a hole near mine, and starts catching fish as fast as he can bait the hook. I was getting frustrated without any luck, so I went over to ask him his secret. He said "Ymd ggt tm kppp tth yaems womg."

I said, "Excuse me, I didn't get that?" so he mumbles even louder, "Ymd ggt tm kppp tth yaems womg!" I shook my head and said, "I'm sorry, but I still didn't understand what you said."

Frustrated, the man spits out a wad out of his mouth and says, "YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE WORMS WARM!"

A man sits in a bar and gets seriously drunk to the point where he vomits on his shirt. He panics.

The bartender asked, "What's wrong, sir?"

The man replies, "I got drunk and vomited, my wife will kill me."

The bartender says, "Put $20 in the shirt and say someone puked on you and they paid you for the wash."

So the man walks out with the $20 he put in his shirt pocket. The next day, the wife said, "Why is there vomit on your shirt?"

The man says, "Someone puked on me and gave me $20 bucks for the wash."

The wife pulls out the money. "There is $40," says the wife.

"Oh, he also peed on me and paid for the wash, too." The man walks away believing he didn't get caught by his wife.

If you have a daughter, give her the same name as the mum; that way when you call for a beer, you get two beers, and when you call for sex, you get two sex...

What is an example of poor management? A prostitute getting pregnant.

Why did the baseball player get arrested? He tried to steal third.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Your mom.

Your mom who?

O shit, my mom's home! Honey, get the f*** out of my house!

I was about to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

The only reason gay people exist is because they couldn't get the opposite gender.

What do Michael Jackson and an Xbox have in common?

They both get turned on by kids.

What did Sally get for Christmas? Ligma?