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What's the difference between an office worker and a vegetable?
They both sit in "wheelchairs," but only one can get out of it.
Why doesn’t Jesus trust humanity anymore?
Because he doesn’t wanna get double-crossed.
What do guns and women have in common?
They both get cocked and loaded.
Why are dildos like a ratcheting wrench? They both make lots of noise and get their job done.
How To Kill A Blonde 101:
First Step: Get a pool.
Second Step: Put a scratch-and-sniff at the bottom.
A girl kept looking through the window whilst the boys got changed!
I, as a boy, was getting annoyed, so I found an interesting magazine in the corner. So, what did I do? Reload and fire!
When it comes to mosquitoes in Africa, should you feel bad that they're getting AIDS from their victims?
What do you get from a co-worker with epilepsy for being accused of harassment? A "seize" and desist letter.
A pair of Newfoundlanders, watching TV, saw endless big-budget advertisements for mass-produced American beer.
One Newfie turns to the other and says, "They say that stuff is the biggest seller in the States, but I don't see what the big deal is." So they buy a bottle, pour it into a plain jar and decide to get an expert opinion.
They send a sample to a lab in St. John's to have it analyzed.
A day later, the lab results come back: "Your horse has diabetes."
I don't get why cancer is so hard to beat. My friend's already on stage 4.
Yo mama is so Jewish that pennies run away from getting pinched by her.
I complained to my landlord that carpenter ants were getting into the timbers. He was dismissive.
"They're Karen Carpenter ants, they don't eat much of anything."
What do you get when you combine a penis and a potato?
A dictator.
What does Meg do when she gets a cold sore?
She bathes in diarrhea.
How do you get a trans woman to commit suicide?
Use he/him pronouns on him.
I love your hair today.
How did you get it to come out your nose like that?
What do dicks and Rubik's Cubes have in common?
The more you play with them, the harder they get.
What is the difference between a zebra and a female NCO?
A zebra didn't have to suck and fuck to get its stripes.
A kindergarten teacher is chatting with little John. The teacher asks John, "John, can you get me some pencils?" John replies, "Sure, I'll do it!" and accidentally knocks over a vase.
The teacher says, "Oh, John!"
John asks, "What does that mean?" The teacher replies, "It's kind of a synonym for 'You loser!'"
What's the best part about duck tape?
It turns "No, no, no!" into "Mmmm, mmmmm, mmmmm!"
It makes it real easy to get to home base on that first date, too.