Get jokes
Superman was bored and wanted to go out. He called all his super friends, but they were all busy. He even calls Louis, but it's her time of the month.
He flies to the liquor store and buys some beer and gets drunk. As he is flying, he sees Wonder Woman naked on top of the roof. He starts thinking, "I will fly down and have sex with her sooooo fast," BURP, "that she won't know what happened," HICKUP.
He flies to her faster than the speed of light, BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG, and flies away with a smile. He passes out and crashed into a wall.
Wonder Woman jumps up and screams, "WHAT WAS THAT?"
The Invisible Man appears, holding his butt, and he gets off on Wonder Woman and says, "I don't know, but my butt hurts real bad."
What's the best way to get a man to confess to a rape?
Ask him to tell a rape joke.
The other day I commented a dark humor joke on a post about a guy who lost his best friend. The joke was “I was so drunk last night I threw a mushroom at a midget and said ‘grow mario grow.’” He commented “What the hell is wrong with you?” and I said “IKR I really gotta work on my alcoholic issues.”
He then replied “This is a post about my dead best friend get the fuck off my feed I don’t even know you.” And so I said “Well then get to know me, I could become your new best friend!”
Teacher: Ok class good morning, we are going to start off by what kind of sound animals make.
Teacher: Ok, what sound does a pig make?
Class: A cow says, "moo moo."
Teacher: Good.
Teacher: What does a sheep make?
Class: A sheep says, "baa baaa."
Teacher: Good! Now what does a pig say?
Little Johnny: A pig says, "Put your hands up and get against the wall you black mother fucke*!"
What do you get when you cross a priest with a toilet?
Holy shit.
Memes
How to get 1000 followers on Instagram?
Run through Africa with a bottle of water.
Dark humor is like a boy with cancer.
They never get old.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the idiot's door.
Knock, knock!
It's the chicken.
What would Stephen Hawking do to get drunk?
Overcharge himself.
What does dark humor and a child with cancer have in common?
That it will never get old.
How do Chinese people get their names? Their parents throw woks down the stairs and name their children after the sound it makes.
When we die we get sent to heaven, but when Stephen Hawking died, he was sent to the cloud.
What do you get when you cross an eagle with a lion?
A griffin.
If you ever get bored, just punch an orphan. I mean, what are they gonna do? Tell their parents?
I was out ice fishing and had no nibbles all morning.
About noon, this old guy comes out, drills a hole near mine, and starts catching fish as fast as he can bait the hook. I was getting frustrated without any luck, so I went over to ask him his secret. He said "Ymd ggt tm kppp tth yaems womg."
I said, "Excuse me, I didn't get that?" so he mumbles even louder, "Ymd ggt tm kppp tth yaems womg!" I shook my head and said, "I'm sorry, but I still didn't understand what you said."
Frustrated, the man spits out a wad out of his mouth and says, "YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE WORMS WARM!"
A man sits in a bar and gets seriously drunk to the point where he vomits on his shirt. He panics.
The bartender asked, "What's wrong, sir?"
The man replies, "I got drunk and vomited, my wife will kill me."
The bartender says, "Put $20 in the shirt and say someone puked on you and they paid you for the wash."
So the man walks out with the $20 he put in his shirt pocket. The next day, the wife said, "Why is there vomit on your shirt?"
The man says, "Someone puked on me and gave me $20 bucks for the wash."
The wife pulls out the money. "There is $40," says the wife.
"Oh, he also peed on me and paid for the wash, too." The man walks away believing he didn't get caught by his wife.
If you have a daughter, give her the same name as the mum; that way when you call for a beer, you get two beers, and when you call for sex, you get two sex...
What is an example of poor management? A prostitute getting pregnant.
Why did the baseball player get arrested? He tried to steal third.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Your mom.
Your mom who?
O shit, my mom's home! Honey, get the f*** out of my house!