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When we die we get sent to heaven, but when Stephen Hawking died, he was sent to the cloud.

If you ever get bored, just punch an orphan. I mean, what are they gonna do? Tell their parents?

What would Stephen Hawking do to get drunk?

Overcharge himself.

What does dark humor and a child with cancer have in common?

That it will never get old.

I was out ice fishing and had no nibbles all morning.

About noon, this old guy comes out, drills a hole near mine, and starts catching fish as fast as he can bait the hook. I was getting frustrated without any luck, so I went over to ask him his secret. He said "Ymd ggt tm kppp tth yaems womg."

I said, "Excuse me, I didn't get that?" so he mumbles even louder, "Ymd ggt tm kppp tth yaems womg!" I shook my head and said, "I'm sorry, but I still didn't understand what you said."

Frustrated, the man spits out a wad out of his mouth and says, "YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE WORMS WARM!"

A man sits in a bar and gets seriously drunk to the point where he vomits on his shirt. He panics.

The bartender asked, "What's wrong, sir?"

The man replies, "I got drunk and vomited, my wife will kill me."

The bartender says, "Put $20 in the shirt and say someone puked on you and they paid you for the wash."

So the man walks out with the $20 he put in his shirt pocket. The next day, the wife said, "Why is there vomit on your shirt?"

The man says, "Someone puked on me and gave me $20 bucks for the wash."

The wife pulls out the money. "There is $40," says the wife.

"Oh, he also peed on me and paid for the wash, too." The man walks away believing he didn't get caught by his wife.

If you have a daughter, give her the same name as the mum; that way when you call for a beer, you get two beers, and when you call for sex, you get two sex...

Do you know the best thing about killing a hooker?

Not only do you get your money back, but the second hour is free.

My girlfriend is incredibly sad since her cat has disappeared.

I am quite sure now that I misunderstood something when she asked me to eat her pussy--and I am beginning to think that I did not get the "fuck her doggy" part either.

Why do orphans hate smart kids?

Because the smart kids get their parents' attention.

The orphans all died!!!

Oh wait, no one cares...

Their parents are all dead anyway. We are just making them happier. They get to join their parents in hell.

I am curious how many likes this will get.

LIKE IT!!!!!

Why did the chicken nugget cross the road?

To get cooked by KFC.

Guys, we gotta stop telling these jokes. They are getting out of h- oh wait no .... Continue.

Yo daddy so stupid, he threw a Father’s Day party at the orphanage.

What did the Catholic priest say to the other Catholic priest as they entered the orphanage? Let’s us prey.

Yo mama so fat, when she goes to get grapes off a bush, the bush says, "Bitch, I never thought they can grow that big!"

Why does the emo hate Christmas?

The ornaments get hanged, and they don't.

What do Michael Jackson and an Xbox have in common?

They both get turned on by kids.

What is the difference between orphans and apples?

Apples get picked.

Why was Jesus Christ cut from the hockey team?

He kept getting nailed to the boards.

What’s the difference between an orphan and an apple?

An apple gets picked.