Funeral jokes
I was at a funeral for some kids in a school shooting. I don't understand why everyone was so sad, so I asked a lady, "what's so sad?" and she said "What do you think was running through these kid's heads before they died?" I replied "probably a bullet". She gasped and said "do you have any idea how insensitive that is? What do you think is running through their parent's heads?" I said "probably all the money they're losing from this funeral."
A cat gets its tail run over, and its mother assured him it’ll be okay. “You just have to stay PAW-sitive!”
The mother was later killed in her sleep because her son hates puns. At the funeral, one of her daughters said, “You have CAT to be KITTEN me right MEOW!”
Guess who dies next.
What is the best thing about being buried alive or burning to death?
No funeral costs.
They asked me to speak at this funeral, and I said, "Of corpse!"
Corpses aren’t funny—they’re dead serious.
Me seeing a little girl crying
A man dies, and his friend is invited to his funeral.
This friend asks his wife, "Can I say a word?"
"Of course," she says.
The man stands up and says, "Plethora!"
The man's wife says, "Thanks, it means a lot!"
Why can't orphans have a funeral? Because their parents won't be there.
What's black and white and red all over?
A massacre at a funeral.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off the coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who's next.
What song do you play at an emo kid's funeral?
Van Halen's "Jump."
When you're at a funeral and you laugh at the body... everyone stares, and one person said, "Isn't that your mom...?"
When you say to your friend, "I've got your back," then at his funeral you see in his coffin he's missing his middle piece.
Today, I filmed an unboxing video at my friend's funeral.
His parents weren't too happy.
I went to my boss's funeral and knelt down to his coffin and whispered, "Whose late now?"
What can you say both at a funeral and during sex?
This would be much better if you were alive.
Knock, knock.
"Who's there?"
Not your dad.
Ex: baby i miss u.
Me: sorry i can't talk, i'm at a funeral.
Ex: who died?!
Me: my feelings 4 u, bitch.
About a month ago, I was at my best friend’s funeral and I told him, "Bitches always come and go." He looked at me kinda mad, kinda confused, and said, "That’s my mom, dude."
*At A Funeral For Someone Who Jumped Off A Building* Victim's Mom: "I wonder what was the last thing that went through his head..."
Me: "Honestly... Probably his ass."
My girlfriend passed away recently.
At the funeral, everyone was shocked about it.
Still, even when dead, she is the best shag I've ever known.