Funeral jokes

At weddings, old people tell kids, "You're next!"

At funerals, little kids tell old people, "You're next!"

What’s one thing you can say at a funeral and during sex?

She was too young.

Cremation,

The last chance for a smoking hot body.

Woman: "Doctor, where are we going?"

Doctor: "To the morgue."

Woman: "I'm not dead yet, doctor."

Doctor: "We're not at the morgue yet, either."

When you die, people cry and wish you to come back.

But when you do, people scream and run away.

If you die a virgin, then where does your v-card go? Does it go with you to the grave, or does your mortician take it from you?

What's the worst thing to say at a funeral? "Hi guys, welcome to my unboxing video!"

Will glass coffins be a success? -- Remains to be seen.

Ah yes, cremation. My last chance of having a smokin' hot body.

When a military person dies, we shoot all night. When a drunkard dies, we drink all night. When a Christian dies, we pray all night. What if a prostitute dies? What should we do? Please tell me.

My friend died from an allergic reaction. He gave me an EpiPen while he was dying, so now I have something to remember him from.

Place a man in a morgue, he'll try to leave.

Place a doctor in a morgue, he'll go to work.

Place a necrophiliac in a morgue, he'll stay happy for a week.

The cemetery is so overcrowded.

People are just dying to get in.

Monkey Man's mortuary, you stab 'em, we slab 'em.

What does a necrophiliac get at a wedding?

Mourning wood.

When earthquakes hit, coffins become maracas underground.

Saying I'm sorry and I apologize are basically the same thing... except at a funeral.

How many orphans does it take to "test drive" a bus? It depends on how much space the orphanage has and how much space the cemetery has.

My dad always wanted one last smoke before his death, so we smoked his ashes.

I was at a funeral for some kids in a school shooting. I don’t understand why everyone was so sad, so I asked a lady, "what’s so sad?" and she said, "What do you think was running through these kid’s head before they died?" I replied, "probably a bullet." She gasped and said, "do you have any idea how insensitive that is? What do you think is running through their parent’s heads?" I said "probably all the money they're losing from this funeral."