Funeral jokes

At weddings, old people tell kids, "You're next!"

At funerals, little kids tell old people, "You're next!"

What’s one thing you can say at a funeral and during sex?

She was too young.

Cremation,

The last chance for a smoking hot body.

Woman: "Doctor, where are we going?"

Doctor: "To the morgue."

Woman: "I'm not dead yet, doctor."

Doctor: "We're not at the morgue yet, either."

When you die, people cry and wish you to come back.

But when you do, people scream and run away.

If you die a virgin, then where does your v-card go? Does it go with you to the grave, or does your mortician take it from you?

What's the worst thing to say at a funeral? "Hi guys, welcome to my unboxing video!"

Will glass coffins be a success? -- Remains to be seen.

Ah yes, cremation. My last chance of having a smokin' hot body.

When a military person dies, we shoot all night. When a drunkard dies, we drink all night. When a Christian dies, we pray all night. What if a prostitute dies? What should we do? Please tell me.

My friend died from an allergic reaction. He gave me an EpiPen while he was dying, so now I have something to remember him from.

Place a man in a morgue, he'll try to leave.

Place a doctor in a morgue, he'll go to work.

Place a necrophiliac in a morgue, he'll stay happy for a week.

The cemetery is so overcrowded.

People are just dying to get in.

Monkey Man's mortuary, you stab 'em, we slab 'em.

When earthquakes hit, coffins become maracas underground.

Saying I'm sorry and I apologize are basically the same thing... except at a funeral.

What does a necrophiliac get at a wedding?

Mourning wood.

How many orphans does it take to "test drive" a bus? It depends on how much space the orphanage has and how much space the cemetery has.

My dad always wanted one last smoke before his death, so we smoked his ashes.

I was at a funeral for some kids in a school shooting. I don’t understand why everyone was so sad, so I asked a lady, "what’s so sad?" and she said, "What do you think was running through these kid’s head before they died?" I replied, "probably a bullet." She gasped and said, "do you have any idea how insensitive that is? What do you think is running through their parent’s heads?" I said "probably all the money they're losing from this funeral."