Funeral jokes
Little Johnny’s father walks into the bathroom and catches him masturbating. He says, “Son, every time you do that, you kill an innocent baby.”
The next day, his father walks into the bathroom and catches him again. Johnny says, “Bow your head, Dad. Can’t you see we’re having a funeral?”
Q: Why is the graveyard so noisy? A: Because all the coffin.
If you don't get it, it means because of people coughing.
I'm gonna eat a hell of a lot of popcorn kernels before I die just to make the cremation a little more interesting.
My dad said, "Where's Pickles, the family cat?" I said, "I'm sorry to say he's in the sky." He said, "Oh, I see, he passed away." No, I strapped him to 20 fireworks!
*At A Funeral For Someone Who Jumped Off A Building* Victim's Mom: "I wonder what was the last thing that went through his head..."
Me: "Honestly... Probably his ass."
When you say to your friend, "I've got your back," then at his funeral you see in his coffin he's missing his middle piece.
What happened when the man died? Yes.
Imagine saying "my bad" instead of "sorry for your loss" at a funeral.
When Cincinnati played Alabama in 2021, they wore black at their funeral! 🤣
Teacher: We have a new student today class, come introduce yourself.
Student: My name is Buttitches.
Teacher: Please tell us your real name.
Student: Buttitches.
Teacher: I’m calling the police.
Police: Son, please tell me your real name or I’m going to shoot you.
Student: Buttitches.
Police: *shoots gun.*
A few days later, the police go to the funeral and sits behind the mom. While crying, the mom says, "My Buttitches!" The police say, "We’ll scratch it, lady."
When your baby is stillborn and you have a funeral, what song should you never play?
Alphaville - "Forever Young."
I heard this was a really popular funeral home. People are dying to get in.
I was always poked and told at weddings your next... So I went to funerals and poked them and said your next.....
My friend was pissed off with me. I was sniffing his sister's knickers. It was worse that they were still on her. It was worse the family were there. It made the rest of her funeral really awkward.
I wanted to do something nice for my uncle, so I cleaned out the nice vase that was given at grandma's funeral. It had so much sand, I'm glad to help.
Ex: baby i miss u.
Me: sorry i can't talk, i'm at a funeral.
Ex: who died?!
Me: my feelings 4 u, bitch.
Grandma told me that when she passed away she wants to be a tree, and so she could live forever.
But I'm not gonna lie, it was a nice toasty fire...
You can't spell "Funeral" without "fun."
Knock, knock.
"Who's there?"
Not your dad.
When my family goes to weddings, my senior relatives tell me things like “You’re next!” So I started doing the same to them at funerals.