Funeral jokes
My relatives always teased me during weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"
But they stopped when I did the same to them during funerals.
At every funeral, it's a try-not-to-say-"big mood"-challenge for me.
Do you know Stephen is dead? He doesn't have a stone. Do you know how to find him? A metal detector.
What’s one thing you can say at a funeral and during sex?
She was too young.
Grandma told me that when she passed away she wants to be a tree, and so she could live forever.
But I'm not gonna lie, it was a nice toasty fire...
A friend of mine used to be morbidly obese, but after lots of exercise and hard work... We were able to lift his coffin.
Don’t cry when you attend my funeral, I was dead long ago so why cry now?
Why don’t coffins have Wi-Fi?
Because they don’t want people to be so ‘connected’ while they’re trying to rest in peace.
I saw a petition on replacing gravestones with trees so it will be a beautiful forest.
Son: Where's grandma?
When I die, I’ll die in a trash can.
What's white as snow within 15-25 mins after death and then black and blue and red all over?
A corpse, of course!
When I die I want to have a piece of paper near me giving a clue on how I died, like, "I want everyone to miss me except for this bullet," or, "You didn't hang with me but guess what did?"
What is a group of emos called?
A funeral.
My departed uncle was a circus clown before he died.
So all his friends came in one car.
When my family goes to weddings, my senior relatives tell me things like “You’re next!” So I started doing the same to them at funerals.
A 6-year-old girl decides to get baptized. She walks into the water of the river. Unfortunately, the pastor was drunk. The pastor put her in the water and dunked her under. The drunken man then forgot to bring her up from the water. The poor girl drowned and died...
Later on, when the pastor was better and thrown in jail, all he had to say to the mortified family was, “Well, at least she’s in heaven!”
I hate double standards. If you burn a body at a crematorium, you're doing a good job. If you burn a body at home, you're destroying evidence.
I remember when I was at a funeral at the age of 6. I was with my grandma and asked, "Grandma, Grandma, why is that man in a box?"
And she says, "He's in a better place now." I look at her confused and ask, "What kind of box did he live in before?! How is this box better than the last one?! It's just a box!"
And to this day I am still not allowed to go to funerals.
Did you hear about the cemetery? I heard that people are dying to be there.
Haha, dead.