Friend jokes
Friend: Name one gay person off the top of your head.
Me: Me.
My mom gave my friend a blow job for good luck on his job interview, then my mom gave my other friend a blow job for his interview, and they both got the job. Now who needs good luck? Just ask my mom. My mom is a good luck charm.
I told my friends that are gay that my hairline's straighter than he will ever be.
I beat up my twin friends with a plane.
My friend said to me that I am gay. My response? I’m as straight as that pole that your mum danced on last night.
Cheese, gimme cheese!
(inspired by a friend)
My friend said they were going to make a comeback. I told them to do it at the back of the throat.
What does a bad friend give a blind kid for his birthday?
Give him a gun and tell him it's a hairdryer.
Your friend lost his left arm, and after getting out of the hospital, you ask him if he’s OK. He says, "Yeah, I’m all RIGHT."
What do your teacher and your friend have in common?
They will both die eventually.
My Friend Evan: What happens if the voice inside your head is your soulmate?
Me: Then my soulmate is a F_cking A__hole.
Me: What did the twin say to the other twin?
Friend: I don't know.
Me: I'll fall with you.
Go up to your friend and say: "It smells like updog."
They will likely reply: "What's updog?"
To which you reply: "Nothing much, what about you?"
BFF: Dude, come over to my house right now!
Me: What? No way, it's 2:58 AM.
BFF: But I just found my brother's secret stash of Oreos!
Me: I'll be over in 5 minutes.
Roses are red and violets are blue, my best friend is Sue, and she's blue, too.
(meaning sad)
Me and my friend's life story on a daily basis.
My dumb ass thinking I made a friend, oh ya, I forgot, literally nobody likes me!
Friend: You ok, man?
Me: Yea... I'll just leave myself "hangin'" tonight...
Tigger was playing hide & seek, so he looked in the toilet, but all he found was Pooh.
Why does the owl 🦉 have a lot of friends?
Because he’s a hoot.