Friend jokes

My friend got arrested for shooting an unarmed black teen.

He was charged for impersonating a police officer.

Friend: Name one gay person off the top of your head.

Me: Me.

What is the most unrealistic thing about Harry Potter?

A ginger with friends.

My lesbian friends bought me a gold timepiece for my birthday.

But, I think they got confused when I said, "I wanna watch!"

One day a man buys a rope to commit suicide, but his friend stops him.

They go to a school with lots of happy kids. The guy feels better after a mag.

My mom gave my friend a blow job for good luck on his job interview, then my mom gave my other friend a blow job for his interview, and they both got the job. Now who needs good luck? Just ask my mom. My mom is a good luck charm.

I told one of my friends, "You're the reason why gene pools have lifeguards."

My ex-friends are depressed. Their names are Kaitlyn and Ava.

People call my blind friend dumb sometimes.

She can't see the obvious.

I told my friends that are gay that my hairline's straighter than he will ever be.

Me and my friend's life story on a daily basis.

I beat up my twin friends with a plane.

Your friend lost his left arm, and after getting out of the hospital, you ask him if he’s OK. He says, "Yeah, I’m all RIGHT."

My friend said they were going to make a comeback. I told them to do it at the back of the throat.

What does a bad friend give a blind kid for his birthday?

Give him a gun and tell him it's a hairdryer.

My friend said to me that I am gay. My response? I’m as straight as that pole that your mum danced on last night.

Cheese, gimme cheese!

(inspired by a friend)

My Friend Evan: What happens if the voice inside your head is your soulmate?

Me: Then my soulmate is a F_cking A__hole.

Go up to your friend and say: "It smells like updog."

They will likely reply: "What's updog?"

To which you reply: "Nothing much, what about you?"

Me: What did the twin say to the other twin?

Friend: I don't know.

Me: I'll fall with you.