Friend jokes

My mom gave my friend a blow job for good luck on his job interview, then my mom gave my other friend a blow job for his interview, and they both got the job. Now who needs good luck? Just ask my mom. My mom is a good luck charm.

My friend got arrested for shooting an unarmed black teen.

He was charged for impersonating a police officer.

Friend: Name one gay person off the top of your head.

Me: Me.

I told one of my friends, "You're the reason why gene pools have lifeguards."

One day, there are friends having fun.

Hours later, one of the friends, Alice, wanted to leave and said, "Cya guys, I'm just gonna hang in the tree and have some fresh air."

And they all agree.

Hours go by, and the group of friends are ready to go home, but then they see a tree in the distance that looks like someone is hanging on the tree with a tight rope.

Two friends are in a hospital lobby. Friend 2 notices Friend 1 crying.

Friend 1: "*crying hysterically*"

Friend 2: "Why are you crying?"

Friend 1: "I came here for a blood test."

Friend 2: "So? Are you afraid?"

Friend 1: "No. For the blood test, they cut my finger."

Friend 2: "*crying hysterically*"

Friend 1: "Why are you crying?"

Friend 2: "I came here for a urine test."

My friend wanted to say egg puns, so I told him, "Omelette you do your egg jokes."

Three guys are standing in an alley on an alien planet, and the psycho one says, "However many tits your girl has is how many balls you have!"

The first guy says, "Ha! My girlfriend has six! I'm racked up!" The second guy said, "Eh, I am happy with two balls." The third guy said, "Shit! My girlfriend is flat as fuck!"

A guy listening in enters and says, "Bro, you actually have girlfriends. I do not. Does that mean I have a pussy?"

I was at a friend's place yesterday, and... There was a mother, father, three sons, and a daughter.

That night the mother and father started fucking each other. I yelled and told them there are innocent children in this house.

An hour later, they started up again. I walked to their room and they were asleep, so I looked in the brothers' room and all three brothers were fucking the sister.

I sighed at this. "Incest aside, you guys make a cute family." I started, "So Anna, when am I gonna have nieces and nephews?" They stopped instantly and went to sleep. "Thank you," I replied before walking back to my room they let me sleep in and I passed out for the rest of the night.

So my friend and I went camping at a Cold Lake Campground and he jumped into it without any warning, and so I asked him, "Wat-er you doing?"

I was going to give my wife chocolates, but my fat friends ate them.

Wife: "You don't even have friends!"

POV: You walk up to your short friend and say, "How is the weather down there?"

"Dude come here and see a rabbit!"

"Ok!"

"Are you ok, man?"

"Yeah, I’m fine."

"Dude, pull your pants back up!"

Me: What's the difference between me and my grandpa?

Friends: What?

Me: I've been alive for the past 14 years.

My friend's emo. I told her to play jump rope with me. She hanged herself. Lol.

I murdered my friend's brother because he kept saying "HEE HEE" like Michael Jackson when I was trying to have a serious conversation. I just found out he was disabled. That's a THRILLER.

Me: You know what's the favorite slogan that Hindus like the most?

My friend: What?

Me: “kati supari kata paan katiyo ko bhejo pakistan.”

When you ask your friend if he thinks lunch is good, but he says that he doesn't taste anything.

What did the fish say when seeing his best mate?

"I sea him!"

My friend: What are you doing?

Me: I'm making holy water.

My friend: How?

Me: I'm boiling the hell out of it.