Friend jokes

Most annoying thing...

When we send something in WhatsApp thinking our friend is online but can only see two grey ticks...

Why did the skeleton want a friend?

Because she was feeling bonely.

Friends call me crack miser, whatever I snort. My brain starts to distort! I'll be in court.

Give a like if I have no friends.

What’s something you can say about vacation, but not about your girlfriend?

Next time I’m bringing all my friends.

What do you call a 5th grader with no friends?

Sandy Hook survivor.

One day a man was fixing a car, and he accidentally got brake oil in his mouth. He was about to spit it out, but then he thought, "Hmm, this tastes pretty good!" So he would keep drinking brake oil. But his friends were getting worried about him, and they were like, "Dude, this can't be healthy." But he said, "Don't worry. I can STOP anytime."

Yesterday I asked my friend, "What is a fish without eyes?"

They replied, "I don’t know."

I said, "Fsh."

Ok, now I'm not good at telling jokes, but this one is not too bad. One cunt said to another cunt, "Do you get cold at night?"

"Fuck no, cunt," the first cunt said, "Why?"

"I have a built-in set of vertical curtains to keep the cold out, cunt!" xx

Person: My left ear is ringing.

Friend: Then answer it!

My friend told me an emo joke once, and I said, "Emo jokes aren't funny, cut it out!"

A man walks into a forest and sees a girl crying. He asks her, "What is wrong?"

She replies, "I lost my family, my friends, and my home."

The man then unties his pants and says, "Then young lady, your day is about to get worse!"

A husband came back from a business trip and found out that his wife was pregnant. At first, he got a bit suspicious, but then he just ignored it and hugged his wife with happiness. The second when he met his friend and told him the news, the friend just said, "Wait, what? I thought she was on pills!"

Jim and Allyn are 2 mates in the Air Force. They were paired up for a training exercise. They got up into the air and Jim said, "Okay Allyn, your helmet can control the missile when launched from the jet. Go ahead and test fire a missile and aim it at anything you want." Allyn fired the missile and had his eyes set on an abandoned building. Jim then said, "I also forgot, watch out for friendly fire." Allyn said "What?" as he looked over at Jim.

My friend said I was gay, but then I realised he was talking to the mirror.

Me: *Meets girl, starts to form crush* Me after I get enough courage to talk to her: “Are you a casket lid because I want you on top of me?”

“What do you call my friend group?” “Suicide Squad.”

Jimmy does stand up comedy. He says, "What do you call an orangutan?"

Jake replies, "YOU!" Then everyone, including the teacher, laughs. Jimmy cries.

LOL

Friend: Why do you like Minecraft so much?

Me: Because I love miners!

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."

Damn! Really stole my friend's glasses. Well, now they're blind, but not really, they're dead.