Friend jokes

As a son, I was starting to do pranks. I told my mom’s boyfriend that she cheated on him and she doesn’t want to be with him anymore, and I told him that my mom said that he had a small penis. He left my mom, and she was mad at me. I thought it was funny.

Then I told my friend’s girlfriend that he cheated on her with another girl, and the girl told me that my friend had a small penis. He found out and wanted to confront me in my house. I wasn’t home. My friend told my mom what happened. Then my mom said the same thing happened to me. I came home one day, I saw my mom giving my friend a blow job. I asked what’s going on. My friend told me, "Your mom is my new girlfriend," and my mom said, "This is the penis of my dreams."

One day a man buys a rope to commit suicide, but his friend stops him.

They go to a school with lots of happy kids. The guy feels better after a mag.

My mom gave my friend a blow job for good luck on his job interview, then my mom gave my other friend a blow job for his interview, and they both got the job. Now who needs good luck? Just ask my mom. My mom is a good luck charm.

What do your teacher and your friend have in common?

They will both die eventually.

My ex-friends are depressed. Their names are Kaitlyn and Ava.

My Friend Evan: What happens if the voice inside your head is your soulmate?

Me: Then my soulmate is a F_cking A__hole.

Go up to your friend and say: "It smells like updog."

They will likely reply: "What's updog?"

To which you reply: "Nothing much, what about you?"

Me: What did the twin say to the other twin?

Friend: I don't know.

Me: I'll fall with you.

I told my friends that are gay that my hairline's straighter than he will ever be.

My friend said to me that I am gay. My response? I’m as straight as that pole that your mum danced on last night.

Cheese, gimme cheese!

(inspired by a friend)

What does a bad friend give a blind kid for his birthday?

Give him a gun and tell him it's a hairdryer.

I beat up my twin friends with a plane.

Your friend lost his left arm, and after getting out of the hospital, you ask him if he’s OK. He says, "Yeah, I’m all RIGHT."

Roses are red and violets are blue, my best friend is Sue, and she's blue, too.

(meaning sad)

BFF: Dude, come over to my house right now!

Me: What? No way, it's 2:58 AM.

BFF: But I just found my brother's secret stash of Oreos!

Me: I'll be over in 5 minutes.

Friend: You ok, man?

Me: Yea... I'll just leave myself "hangin'" tonight...

Tigger was playing hide & seek, so he looked in the toilet, but all he found was Pooh.

Why does the owl 🦉 have a lot of friends?

Because he’s a hoot.

My dumb ass thinking I made a friend, oh ya, I forgot, literally nobody likes me!