Friend jokes

What does a bad friend give a blind kid for his birthday?

Give him a gun and tell him it's a hairdryer.

Your friend lost his left arm, and after getting out of the hospital, you ask him if he’s OK. He says, "Yeah, I’m all RIGHT."

My friend said to me that I am gay. My response? I’m as straight as that pole that your mum danced on last night.

I told my friends that are gay that my hairline's straighter than he will ever be.

My ex-friends are depressed. Their names are Kaitlyn and Ava.

I beat up my twin friends with a plane.

My Friend Evan: What happens if the voice inside your head is your soulmate?

Me: Then my soulmate is a F_cking A__hole.

Me: What did the twin say to the other twin?

Friend: I don't know.

Me: I'll fall with you.

Go up to your friend and say: "It smells like updog."

They will likely reply: "What's updog?"

To which you reply: "Nothing much, what about you?"

BFF: Dude, come over to my house right now!

Me: What? No way, it's 2:58 AM.

BFF: But I just found my brother's secret stash of Oreos!

Me: I'll be over in 5 minutes.

My dumb ass thinking I made a friend, oh ya, I forgot, literally nobody likes me!

Why does the owl 🦉 have a lot of friends?

Because he’s a hoot.

Me and my friend's life story on a daily basis.

Friend: You ok, man?

Me: Yea... I'll just leave myself "hangin'" tonight...

Tigger was playing hide & seek, so he looked in the toilet, but all he found was Pooh.

My friend got arrested for shooting an unarmed black teen.

He was charged for impersonating a police officer.

I told one of my friends, "You're the reason why gene pools have lifeguards."

Friend: Name one gay person off the top of your head.

Me: Me.

One day a man buys a rope to commit suicide, but his friend stops him.

They go to a school with lots of happy kids. The guy feels better after a mag.

What do your teacher and your friend have in common?

They will both die eventually.