"Grandma, tell me a story!" I said as we huddled near the campfire.
"Alright," she said, "Once, there was a tree named Timmy, he was my best tree friend. I used to read books under him and climb all his branches."
"Where is Timmy now?" I asked.
Grandma pointed to the campfire.
Me and my friends were having a party the other day when some bitch came bitching about the noise. Thankfully, she was hot and had a nice ass, so it was enjoyable raping her.
The next day when I woke up, I found her body only half eaten. Her lower body was still intact, so I went for seconds to fuck off the hangover. Then I had breakfast. Her ass tasted good with some ketchup.
My friend told me an emo joke once, and I said, "Emo jokes aren't funny, cut it out!"
Most annoying thing...
When we send something in WhatsApp thinking our friend is online but can only see two grey ticks...
Three disabled guys (a blind man, an amputee, and a guy in a wheelchair) are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert. The three disabled guys (the only survivors) are now stranded and wait for someone to rescue them, but no one showed. They start to get real thirsty, so they decide to seek out water. The amputee leads the way, with the blind man pushing the guy in the wheelchair; and, eventually they find an oasis. The amputee leader goes into the water first, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he has a NEW LEG! He gets excited and encourages his friends to do the same.
The blind man offers to push the guy in the wheelchair, but he gets refused because the guy in the chair wants to be Mr. Independent and insists the blind man goes ahead first. So he goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he can SEE! Now the guy in the wheelchair's getting really excited, starts pushing with all his might, goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, and wheels out the other side. Lo and behold, NEW TIRES!!!
POKEMON THEME SONG JOKE: I wanna be the berry best, like no one ever was.
To bitch them is my real pest, to brain them in my toss. I will gravel across the land, perching war and wide. Fuse Pokemon to under-strand, the lower that's in psyche.
Poke him on! Gotta joke them all it's Fru and me, All I know is my dress tiny, Poke him on! Yeah, you're my pest friend, In a world you must de-blend, Poke him on!
Gotta joke them all my shirts so true, My outrage will flush us through. You bitch me and I ditch you, P-O-K-E-M-O-N!!!
Gotta joke them all, Gotta joke them all!
Poke him on!
What makes a cult and a racist family of 5 common?
Not all are friends.
One time I went to high-five someone. I've been left hanging ever since.
Me: Why am I an orphan?
Friend: I don't know.
Me: Ask your mom.
Orphan: *crying* You: Do you know where your parents are? Orphan: No. Your Friend: They don't have parents!!! You: 😂 I know.
I got my blind friend a TV... He never uses it.
Boobs are like friends: you have big ones, small ones, real ones, fake ones, but they all get taken out by cancer.
Me holding a new cat: Say hi to my little friend!
My friends: Hi to my little friend!
- What did the skeleton say to his friend?
- Actually... TIBIA honest, I don't know how to complete this joke...
Two hunters are in the woods and one falls to the ground.
Terrified, he dials 911 and says, “Help! I think my friend is dying. What do I do?” The nurse says, “I need you to make sure he’s dead.” The hunter replies, “Ok, I’ll be right back.” The nurse is startled after hearing a gunshot. The hunter comes back and says, “I checked. Now what do I do?” The nurse replies, “I need you to make sure his heart has completely stopped.” She is startled when she hears the sound of a taser. The hunter comes back and says, “What’s next?” The nurse replies, “I need you to make sure his brain has completely shut down.” The nurse is once again startled when she hears the sound of a bone being crushed by what seemed to be a hammer. The hunter comes back and asks, “Anything else?” The nurse says, “Nope. That’s it.”
My black friend turned off the lights and suddenly disappeared.
Me: I just came home from Africa, and guess what I saw.
Friend: I don't know.
Me: A black market.
Yo mama is so skinny, she makes friends with a snake.
Me: What do you call 4 depressed kids?
My friend: What?
Me: The Suicide Squad.
I have a friend that sells backpacks for a living. You can draw on them using markers of different color variants.
He one day said his business was "remarkable."
