Friend jokes

9/11 isn't something we should joke about. Some people can remember where they were when they found out. I'll never forget where I was when I found out.

It was 9:37, September 10th, 2001. I was in a cave in Iraq when my friend Mohammad told me.

I went home to my girlfriend with milk! She said, "Oh thank you honey!"

Then I got a call from a girl named Melissa. She called and said, "Steven, where the hell have you been? It's been two weeks and you still haven't come back yet?"

What did the mouse 🐭 say when his friend broke their teeth?

Hard cheese! 🧀😂

Me scrolling through jokes that sum up my life, starts crying.

My friend: What’s wrong?

Me: Nothing, it's just so funny. Lol😂🤣😂

What do a school shooter and a person with gum have in common?

One's the pull it out everyone wants to be their friend.

A couple and their friends were riding their tricycle, and one wheel fell off. They discussed what to do, and finally the friend said, "Why don't you just use me?" The boyfriend said, "Why did I not think of using the third wheel?"

My friend David lost his ID.

Now he is just Dav.

When you say to your friend, "I've got your back," then at his funeral you see in his coffin he's missing his middle piece.

I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home.

So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

They say there's a person capable of murder in every friend group.

I suspected that it was Dave, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.

Me: Hey friend!

Friend: Yes?

Me: What is the missing sense? Seeing, smelling, _, tasting, hearing.

Friend: Touch.

Me: What do you spawn on Minecraft always? (jk only 99.99%)

Friend: Grass.

Me: And you get?

Friend: Touch grass.

Friend: Why do you like Minecraft so much?

Me: Because I love miners!

Husband: Honey, do you want sex?

Wife: No, thanks, I have a headache.

Husband: Is that your final answer?

Wife: Mmmmm.

Husband: Are you sure?

Wife: Yes.

Husband: No doubts?

Wife: No.

Husband staring a long time at his wife.

Husband: Okay, I wanna use my lifeline to call a friend.

Friends are like bananas. If you peel their skin off and eat them, they die.

My friend told me to name a country in Africa.

So I said, "Hungry."

Person: So you know that person's name you say when you make a hoop, well he's dead.

Friend: Yeah, John Wilkes Booth.

Person: How dare you say that he killed Abraham Lincoln?

Friend: Terrible guy but he never missed a shot!

Me and my girlfriend broke up, so I took her wheelchair, and she came crawling back.

My friend texted me and asked me, "Hey. What's your favorite emoji?"

I said, "😬😬😬😬😬😬😬"

She said, "Why?"

I said, "'Cause it's your twin."

Why are you so bonely, my friend? I am at least glad that you are not boneless.

A man runs into a church and shouts, "Are there any dwarf nuns in the monastery?" The Pope said no, causing the man to say to his friend, "I told you you fucked a penguin!"