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Father O'Reilly ran into a young woman whose mother attended his church at the market. "Ah, Mary Agnes, congratulations!"

She gave him a puzzled look. "On what?"

"Your mother tells me you've been praying to St. Gerard and finally got pregnant, it's a miracle."

Mary Agnes sighed. "My mother needs to get hearing aids if she's going to eavesdrop on my phone calls to friends. I said it'll be a miracle if I get pregnant since the only thing I'm fucking is a St. Bernard."

So, an Irish man is walking his poodle, and his buddy comes running up to him saying there’s a new pub in town and they’re giving out free pints.

So the man picks up his dog and runs like hell to the bar. But the bar owner stops him and says, "Sorry, you can’t go in." The Irish man says, "Why can’t I go in?" "Well, you have a dog, sir, and that sign over there says no dogs allowed. You’re going to have to leave him outside." Well, the Irish man thinks quick and says, "I’m blind; it’s a seeing eye dog." The owner says, "That’s ridiculous. A seeing eye dog would be a German shepherd or golden Labrador or something like that." The Irish man says, "Well, what kind of dog did they give me??"😂

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    • Everyone in my class: "I can't wait until I have a family, I can't wait to study for my dream job."

    My friends: "What's your dream job?"

    Me: "I'm going to die young :))"

    My friend said, "Why do you have depression? There is so much happiness in the world." And I said, "Why do you have asthma? There is so much air in the world."

    Me: What did the twin say to the other twin?

    Friend: I don't know.

    Me: I'll fall with you.

    Clarie: I don't even care if it was a joke he made on me, you and Karlen, and if you think I'm getting over it, then you must have an oatmeal for a brain.

    Jordan: Clarie ... you are so sensitive when she tells a little joke about you, me, and Karlen.

    Clarie: It was painful!

    Jordan: Who cares? I laughed. Ben is not a bad person, okay, calm down.

    Clarie: Ben is a bad person. We are making friends with a bully/thug, but you say that he is not a "bad person", my mom is going to kill me if she finds out that I am hanging out with those kinds of people!

    Jordan: Then don't tell her! Listen, I need you, give Ben a chance! Please?

    Clarie: Shush, Karlen is coming!

    Karlen: Hey guys, that Ben guy for sure has a way of saying words, I wish I could hurt him!!

    When my mom asks, "If your friend pays you to jump off a bridge, would you do it?" I say, "No, Mom... I'd do it for free!"

    A Spanish magician is trying the disappearing trick. He counts "Uno, dos..." and leaves no trace.

    I don't know, my friend did it.

    Me: Hey, do you wanna hear a joke?

    Friend: Sure.

    Me: Why don't churches have WiFi?

    Friend: Why?

    Me: They can't compete with an invisible force that actually works.

    To anyone who wants to be my friend:

    Hello.

    Does anyone wanna be my friend? Please if ya' do reply to my: "Hello." In the chat. Tysm. Have a greaat day!

    Alex <3

    To Tina: Hi, love, you're my oldest and dearest friend. I will love you for as long as I live. I luvv you so much, my sweetest, dearest darling.

    Hi my sweet friends! This is for everyone who needs help right now :)

    A necrophiliac woman goes over to her friend's house after hooking up.

    "Was it hung?" her friend asks.

    "No, he was shot."

    Hi, people. I really need a friend. Can someone please be my friend? Say in comments if you will.

    To Mr. Nice Guy, you are nice, sweet, and caring! I am so grateful to be your friend!