Weird jokes

Birthdays are weird. We celebrate being one year closer to dying. And we celebrate it with friends and family, which is totally not how we'll die.

We're all gonna die alone, not surrounded by friends and family.

Man: What's up?

Me: I'm annoyed.

Man: Why?

Me: I stole my gf's heart.

Man: So why are you annoyed?

Me: Everyone else in the surgery room gave me weird looks.

I can hear thunder outside, which I find weird since the lightning is on my arm...

Teacher: Your bag is heavy, what's in there?

Weird Kid: Magazines.

English is weird. It can be understood through tough, thorough thought, though.

Daughter: "I know this is weird, but I feel like someone is watching me when I am sleeping."

Father: "Sorry."

I saw this really old guy with the Hitler stache, so I decided to start beating him up.

It was very weird when a camera crew came out with Harrison Ford and started yelling at me.

When you're the only one bullying the weird kid and you're absent on the day he shoots up the school. ̄\_(ツ)_/ ̄

When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.

Funny thing happened today, my dad came home from work which is weird cause he’s a suicide bomber.

Got into a fight last night. We both had blades. He cut me deep. I thought I was gone, but he forgot to keep the water running.

Weird thing was that we were in the fight of our lives in the restroom and that guy kinda looked like me.

What does a cannibal and a spider have in common?

Both have eight legs.

When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.

This boy heard from a friend that if you tell an adult, "I know the whole truth," they will be all weird. So he went home and told his mom, "I know the whole truth," and she gave him $20 and said to keep quiet.

Pleased, when his dad got home, he said, "I know the whole truth," and his dad gave him $40 and said, "Don't tell Mom." Really pleased, he met the mailman the next day and said, "I know the whole truth." Then the mailman got down on his knee, opened his arms, and said, "Come to daddy."

Why couldn't Sally write with the pen? (Friend: Idk, why?) Because she had no arms.

Why couldn't Sally play Tennis? (Friend: Because she had no arms?) Yes, she had no arms.

Why did Sally fall off the swing? (Friend: Because she had no arms?) No, Joe pushed her.

Why couldn't Sally pick up the box? (Friend: *Some weird guess*) Because she had no arms.

Why did Sally drop her ice cream? (Friend: Because she had no arms?) Because she got hit by a bus.

Knock Knock. (Friend: Who's there?) Not Sally.

So a guy named Nathaniel just came home, and when he enters his sister’s room, he sees her f***ing a piece of broccoli. And Nathaniel says, “Abbie, what’s wrong with you? I was going to eat that later, and now it smells like broccoli!”

My Asian girlfriend has a weird name. As I gave her anal, she was yelling "I'm too young."

Once i was walking along the beach and there was a girl with no arms or legs there, i walked by and she said excuse me, will you touch me ive never been touched before, i was like okay so i touched her, i kept on walking along and there was the same girl, she said sir will you kiss me, i went alright so i went up and kissed her, i thought that was weird but anyway i kept walking along and there she was again, she said sir will you fuck me? I went okay so i picked her up and threw her in the ocean and went YOUR FUCKED NOW

Kid: "Mom, I had a scary dream. Can I come sleep with you and dad?"

Mom: "Sure, sweetie, sleep in the middle."

Kid: "Dad, can you get the remote out of my back?"

Dad: "That isn't the remote."

*Weird background music*

What’s the difference between a retard and a zombie? Nothing much, they both dribble, moan, are hungry, walk weirdly, and it takes a bullet in the head to put them both down.