Weird Jokes

Birthdays are weird. We celebrate being one year closer to dying. And we celebrate it with friends and family, which is totally not how we'll die.

We're all gonna die alone, not surrounded by friends and family.

Man: whats up? Me: im annoyed Man: Why? Me: I stole my gf's heart Man: So why are you annoyed? Me: Everyone else in the surgery room gave me weird looks

i can here thunder outside which i find weird since the lightning is on my arm....

Teacher: your bag is heavy what's in there!

Weird Kid: Magazines

English is weird. -- It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

Daughter: I know this is weird but I feel like that someone is watching me when I am sleeping.

Father: Sorry

I saw this really old guy with the Hitler stache, so I decided to start beating him up. It was very weird when a camera crew came out with Harrison Ford and started yelling at me.

When you're the only one bullying the weird kid and you're absent on the day he shoots up the school. ̄\_(ツ)_/ ̄

When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.

Funny thing happened today, my dad came home from work which is weird cause he’s a suicide bomber.

Got into a fight last night. We both had blades. He cut me deep. I thought I was gone, but he forgot to keep the water running.

Weird thing was that we were in the fight of our lives in the restroom and that guy kinda look like me.

What does a cannibal and a spider have in common? Both eight legs

Why couldn't Sally write with the pen? (Friend: Idk, why?) Because she had no arms. Why couldn't Sally play Tennis? (Friend: Because she had no arms?) Yes, she had no arms. Why did Sally fall off the swing? (Friend: Because she had no arms?) No, Joe pushed her. Why couldn't Sally pick up the box? (Friend: *Some weird guess*) Because she had no arms. Why did sally drop her ice cream? (Friend: Because she had no arms?) Because she got hit by a bus. Knock Knock. (Friend: Who's there?) Not Sally.

This boy heard from a friend that if you tell an adult "I know the whole truth" they will be all weird so he went home and told his mom "I know the whole truth" and she gave him 20$ and said to keep quiet. Pleased when his dad got home he said "I know the whole truth" and his dad gave him 40$ an said don't tell mom. really pleased he met the mailman the next day and said "I know the whole truth" then the mailman got down on his knee opened his arms and said come to daddy.

When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.

Kid: " Mom I had a scary dream can I come sleep with you and dad " Mom: " sure sweetie sleep in the middle " Kid: " Dad can you get the remote out of my back " Dad: " That isn't the remote "

*Weird background music*

Every culture has weird food.

Australians eat vegemite. The British eat haggis. The French eat snails. The Chinese eat dogs. The Americans eat their young siblings' private parts.

After getting in the White House, D.Trump gets a letter.... ... from the Iranian president. He opens it and to his surprise there is a paper with a weird looking code on it:

370HSSV 0773H

All confused, Trump contacts the FBI and forwards the letter to them in hope they can figure out the meaning, but they weren't able to. Trump gets angry and sends the letter to both the CIA and NSA, and they also fail to figure out the meaning of the letter.

One of the agents suggest Trump to ask for MI6's help, so he does and few minutes after a British agent sends a fax to his secretary: Tell your president he was holding the letter upside down.