Where's my sister's friend? Oh, I forgot, we are in Alabama.
Me at the Oscars when I see Jada Pinkett Smith, I said: "G.I. Jane 2, more like G.I. Jada 2, can't wait to see it."
So Will Smith is laughing and then suddenly, Will Smith walks up to me and punches me in the face.
Me: "Ow, oh, wow. Will Smith just smacked the shit out of me.” My nigga Smith goes: "KEEP MY WIFE'S NAME OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!" Me: "Maybe you should focus on keeping her friends out of hers."
Why did the alarm go off when the emo and his friends left the store when they checked everything out?
The emo forgot to roll his sleeves up.
Why should you always be friends with an emo kid?
They always hang around.
My friend asked me why I haven’t had milk in six years.
I told him my dad never came back with it.
My friend group is pretty diverse. I'm Japanese, one friend is Filipino, one is American, one is Italian, and the last one is German.
Out of everyone in the friend group, the Filipino and the American were the quickest to feel uncomfortable when I asked, "Who wants to go on a march with me?"
A kid went and got a haircut. The day after, he went to school, and a friend says, "I like your cut." He replies, "Which one?"
You say to your slow friend: "Damn, you're slower than Stephen Hawking!" And that takes some talent.
Friends are like bananas. If you peel their skin off and eat them, they die.
My friend has glasses, and we were talking about owls, and I told my friend to give an owl glasses. I told my friend that it'd be a spectacled owl!
If someone who speaks two languages is bilingual, and someone who speaks many languages is multilingual, then what do you call someone who speaks one language?
An American.
My friend who is in a wheelchair told me a joke and i burst out laughing. I told him he should be a stand up comedian.
My friend in a wheelchair tells a funny joke.
I resist the urge to say that he should become a stand-up comedian.
I went to ask my friend's mom if I could have a sleepover.
Then I remembered they did not have a mom or dad.
Hey Sandy.
I asked my friend if they will show me something retarded. He said, "Go look in a mirror." I said, "Thank you."
My friend said this to me: Were you born on a high way because thats where most accidents happen :(
Ashley said to me one day, "What is my name?"
And I said, "My name is everyday life of stupidity."
My BFF asked me: "You know why it took Carlos 3 days to move on?"
I said: "Why?"
My BFF says: "Well, it's because he was already cheating!"
I said: "KNEW IT!"
What's the best way to tell your friend you hate them? Option 1: Kill them. Option 2: Walk away. Option 3: Kill each other.
Me: Why can't I just kms and leave them the pain?
