Friend jokes

So my friend's birthday was coming up, so I got him a new box to live in.

What did the orphan get for Christmas?

Lego figures from his friend, but they ran away too.

Friend: *hits head* Others: How many fingers am I holding up? Me to friend: How suicidal am I on a scale from one to ten? Friend: Ten Me: He's fine guys.

I was running away from expired grocery items with my friend, when I got out I noticed he was left for bread. I felt so guilty, he was toast. I'm not loafing this.

One day me and my friend Howard the duck went into the bar. I ordered a drink. Howard told the waiter to put it on his... BILL.

Knock knock. Who's there? Depression. That's my best friend.

"Why did Susie fall off the swing?" "Because she had no arms."

"Why couldn’t she get up off the ground?" "Because she had no friends."

"Knock knock." "Who’s there?" "Not Susie, she’s still on the ground."

"Where did Susie go when the bomb went off?" "Everywhere."

"Why couldn’t Susie scratch her leg?" "Because it was in a different body bag."

"Why did Susie drop her ice cream?" "She was hit by a bus."

"Why did Susie fall off the swing?" "Someone threw a refrigerator at her."

A group of friends went outside to pick up stuff. One of the friends said, "It is windy as heck out!"

I caught my sister licking up and down and deep throating a banana. I said, "Why are you doing that for?" She replied, "I'm doing it for practice for your friends."

Me: Have you ever went sky diving?

Friend: No.

Me: Well don't, it sucks.

Friend: Why?

Me: They gave me a parachute and I lived.

My friend Nickiya wanted to know what animal she'd be. I said that she would be a "Ni-cat-a."

My friend asks for a turkey burger on 4th of July. I say, "That's Thanksgiving, man!"

"Why don't you want to taco 'bout it?"

"Cause I'm nacho friend anymore."

How do oysters call their friends?

On shell phones!

Me: I bombed the 2 tests yesterday.

Friend: What were the tests about?

Me: Japan.

A friend of mine chews gum, lays back to yawn, then chokes on the gum. Then I said, "God, what, you choking on dick?"

So I went to my friend's funeral today. As we were all leaving, a kid put a "get well soon" card next to my friend's grave. 'Poor kid'.

My friend David lost his ID.

Now he is just Dav.

I told my friend that someone accused him of blowing dead bears. I said I defended him by responding that I saw 1 get up and walk away.

Why couldn't the carrot go to his friend's house?

Because he was grounded.