Friend jokes

My friend gave me sugar for my birthday. She thought it was cheap; I thought it was pretty sweet.

Me: What do you call a group of retards?

Friend: Down town?

Me: Nope, target practice.

I was talking to my friends and they said a random topic about cats, and I'm like, "Water you talking about?" =3

Me: No one likes Shrek; he is just a fat green guy.

Friend: Hey! Stop talking about me.

When I was in high school, me and my friends would play with this girl who had Down syndrome.

We would get into a circle around her and say, "Nightmare, nightmare!"

Friend: My girls are like boomerangs; they always come back.

Me: Mine DON'T :(

Friend: You know how I like my women like my coffee... hot.

Me: What if you don't like coffee? :(

I was talking to my old friend. They said, "We should hang out more!"

I said, "You mean we should ketchup?"

When an asteroid is coming to kill us all:

98.9% of the population: OMG, we're all gonna die!

1% of the population: Eh... I never had any friends anyway.

Alia: ROLL THE INTRO!

I did not want to join sailing, but my friend roped me into it.

So, my best friend's boyfriend broke up with her, and she started to cry.

So I told her a "single" joke, then she said, "Go and fucking die, you insensitive bitch!"

I later said, "Ugh, fine, as your BFF, I will break his body for you—happy now?"

She said, "*sniff* yes."

I have friends.

I went to visit my friend's sick grandpa. He was lying in a hospital bed connected to a lot of tubes. When I approached him, he kept repeating "Nǐ cǎizhe wǒ de yǎngqì guǎn."

Suddenly, right in front of me, he passed. Later that night, I translated his last words, and they were, "You're standing on my oxygen tube."

My friend dared me to steal my other friend's watch. I tried, but failed. He really got me, dare.

A friend texts to another:

"Hey." They reply, "What's up?"

The first friend then replies with a simple answer, "The sky!" But the other friend intervenes and says, "No, it's the ceiling!"

To then the first friend finishes the greeting with, "Unless you're homeless or six feet under."

Why did Sarah fall off the swings? Because she had no arms.

Why couldn't she get up? Because she had no friends.

When I went to basketball training, there was a giant bag of basketballs on the floor.

My friend was like, "That's a huge sack of balls!"

He didn't realize what was about to happen.

"That's what she said!"

My friend was a victim of a school shooting once, but he couldn't tell if they were in the library because of the suppressor on his AR.

You know you're ugly when you get handed the camera every time your friends have a group picture.

Friend: How dark is your humor?

Me: It gets beat by the cops on a daily basis.