Son: Dad what's a morbid joke? Father: Walk over to a homeless man and throw a rock at him then you will know. Son: But Dad I don't have arms or legs. Father: Now you know.
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A father is talking to his three kids Kid 1: why is my name rose Dad:Because when you were a kid a rose fell on your head Kid 2: why is my name lily Dad: Because a lily fell on your head when you were a baby Kid 3: Auughhghhhggghhh Dad:oh hey Brick
Dad's are like boomerangs.... I hope....
“Uh daddy harder” the orphan said oh wait he doesn’t have a daddy
One day little johnny walks in on his dad getting dressed and asked what is that daddy. Dad"Oh that's my snake." The next day little johnny walks in on his mom getting dressed and askes what is that mom says"that's my bushes" the next day Little johnny cant sleeps so he goes into his parents room and asks dad why is your snake going into moms bushes.
Child- Goodnight Mommy. Goodnight Daddy. Goodnight Grandma. Goodbye Grandpa! Dad- Wait, why are you saying that? Child- I just felt like it The next day, the Grandpa is dead Dad- That's just a VERY scary coincidence. Child- Goodnight Mommy. Goodnight Daddy. Goodbye Grandma. Dad- Wait, why are you saying that? Child- I just felt like it. The next day, the Grandma is dead. Dad- That's just a VERY scary coincidence. Child- Goodnight Mommy, Goodbye Daddy! Dad- Oh no. If I survive until tommorow, everything will be okay! Survives until tmmrow Dad- Whew! That was nice! *Goes to house* Mom- Honey! I was so worried about you! The mailman just dropped dead on our porch! (If you don't get it, the mailman is the biological father)
I saw an orphan and i said, yo.
He said what do you want.
I said, "to be your new father"
"Realy??!" the orphan said,
Me, lol no.
Orphan *Jumps into street*
There was a family, the father's name was Mad, the mother is brain, the brother's name is nobody and the sister's name is everybody. One day, nobody killed everybody and the father ran to the police's office and screamed, ''NOBODY KILLED EVERYBODY!!!!!'' ''Sir, are you okay?'' The police asked. ''I said, NOBODY KILLED EVERYBODYYYYY!!!!!'' The father yelled even louder. ''Are you mad?'' The police asked. ''Yes because my name is Mad!'' The father exclaimed. ''Where's your brain?'' Asked the police. ''At home because my wife name is Brain.'' The father said. The police fell down due to the confusion.
Child: "Mom, what's an 'orgasm'?" Mom: "I don't know, dear. Try asking your father..."
Little Jimmy has 5 red apples. His dad's car will arrive in 20 minutes. Calculate the mass of the Sun
Where can white people cook better than Black people? On Father’s Day
I just encountered a father and son moment over some milk The dad finally came back with the milk
The Pastor of the local church calls on the congregation for volunteers for Bible sales....
A gentleman with a severe stutter approaches the pastor after Sunday service.
"I-i-i... I-i-id like to v-v-v-v-vol-vol-vo-volunteer to s-s-s-se-sell b-b-b-bi-b-bibles, f-fff-f-f-fa-fa-father..."
"That would be wonderful, my son. We'll start you with one box. Please go door to door throughout the community and sell what you can. You can give these away, but donations are always accepted since the word of God is the most important message."
"T-t-t-t-th-th-th-thank you f-ff-f-f-f-fa-fa-fath-father... i-i-i-i-i-i-I'll s-s-s-s-se-se-sell what I c-c-c-cc-can..."
The pastor sends the man on his way.
About an hour later to the pastors surprise, the stuttering man returns with an empty box and $200 cash.
The pastor is completely shocked, but is ultimately filled with joy as the church could use the funds more than ever, not to mention the community is that much closer to God's message.
So without asking questions, he happily sends the stuttering man on his way with 2 more boxes of Bibles.
"T-t-t-t-t-t-th-th-th-th-tha-thank you f-ff-f-f-f-fa-fa-fath-father, i-i-i-i-i-i-I'll be back s-s-s-s-s-soo-soo-soo-soon."
Exactly 2 hours later the stuttering man returns, only this time carrying 2 empty boxes and $500 cash.
The pastor is at a loss for words. So much so, that he's questioning whether the stuttering man is coming across these funds legitimately.
He pulls the man aside and asks, "Son, while myself and the church thank you for your efforts in selling these bibles, we want to make sure not to take advantage of common people. Most of my volunteers take upwards of a month to sell a single box of Bibles, and you've sold 3 boxes in a few hours. May I ask what you're telling these people when you approach their home?"
"W-w-w-w-we-we-well f-ff-f-f-f-fa-fa-fath-father it-it-it-it-its qui-q-q-q-qui-quite s-s-s-s-s-s-si-sim-simple."
"I ju-ju-ju-ju-just ask the-the-th-th-th-the-them if th-th-th-th-the-the-they'd l-l-l-l-li-li-li-li-lik-like to b-b-b-b-b-b-b-bu-bu-buy a b-b-b-bi-bi-bi-bible or if they w-w-w-w-w-wa-wa-wa-wan-want me to re-re-re-rea-read it to them."
At what point does a joke become a dad joke? When it disappears and never returns home
Sometimes I think back on all the people I’ve lost and remember why I stopped being a tour guide
Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”
Don't listen to people when they say you have a dad bod. you don't. You have a father figure
Father talks to his 5-year-old son: “No, Petie, you don’t have to worry. There is no monster sleeping under your bed. It sleeps every day in the bed next to me.”
When I was a kid, my father would tell me that the black Santa Claus was was coming to our house for Christmas. So, instead of putting out cookies and milk, we would put out cornbread and purple kool-aid.
My wife said she wanted steam vegetables with her steak so I put her father in the hot tub
