Father Jokes

A girl goes to a Church to confess.

Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

Priest: "What have you done my child?"

Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."

Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"

Girl: "Because he touched my hand."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he touched my breast."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)

Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"

(after a few minutes)

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "But father, he had AIDS!"

Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

What's the difference between a mother and a father? The mother always comes back from the shop.

I just competed in a wrestling tournament. The first guy hit me harder than my dad’s belt.

"(My beard actually connects.)" "Like the connection you never had with your father."

Some guy came to me and said, "I'm your dad's friend. He asked me to pick you up."

*Laughing freaking hard* and told him, "Did you dig the grave?"

Once, my father came home and found me in front of a roaring fire.

That made my father very mad, as we didn't have a fireplace.

The only joke my dad ever made was me.

Why do orphans only have 354 days?

'Cause they are missing Mothers and Fathers day!

I hate when my father doesn't cook me cocktails for tea.

My father, who flew the plane, couldn't have a funeral, he went everywhere.

Orphans have 363 days on a calendar because they don't have Mothers' or Fathers' Day.

My dad in 9/11; he was the best pilot.

I dressed up as Darth Vader at an orphanage and said, "I am your father!"

Your children grew up faster than it took you to leave for the milk.

Once, my father came home and found me in front of a roaring fire.

That made my father very mad, as we didn’t have a fireplace.

A man went hunting with his son and shot an animal.

The father asks the son to identify the animal he just shot, and the son answers: "Holy Cow!"

Father: "What do you mean, 'Holy Cow?'"

Son: "You shot a hole in the cow, of course!"

You know, the strangest things happen. My mom said, "Step on a crack, you break your mama's back, but if you step on a line, you break your father's spine." I stepped on the line. It didn't break his spine. Mom, who is my father?

Your dad went to get the milk, but he was actually trying to find his father. He wasn't there.

Why did your daddy not come back with the milk?

Because you have no dad because your dad never loved you.

What does a man with 20 children do now?

Now he eats sausages even with cellophane.