Father jokes

Little Jimmy has 5 red apples. His dad's car will arrive in 20 minutes. Calculate the mass of the Sun.

One day, Little Johnny walks in on his dad getting dressed and asked, "What is that, Daddy?" Dad said, "Oh, that's my snake." The next day, Little Johnny walks in on his mom getting dressed and asks, "What is that?" Mom says, "That's my bushes." The next day, Little Johnny can't sleep, so he goes into his parents' room and asks Dad, "Why is your snake going into Mom's bushes?"

A toddler was giving her daddy a tea party.

She brought him a little cup of "tea" which was just water, of course. After several cups of tea, her Mom came home. Dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little Princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was, "Just the cutest thing!" Mom waited, and sure enough, here she come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy. She watches him drink it up and then says, "You know the only place she can reach water, is the toilet!"

I will never forget the moment when my father saw me masturbating. He said, "Son, what are you doing? I'm on a video conference - get out of my office!"

Don't listen to people when they say you have a dad bod. You don't.

You have a father figure.

At what point does a joke become a dad joke?

When it disappears and never returns home.

My son told me he wanted to be Batman when he grows up. That little shit wants to be gunned down in an alley.

I just encountered a father and son moment over some milk.

The dad finally came back with the milk!

I just competed in a wrestling tournament. The first guy hit me harder than my dad’s belt.

What's the difference between a mother and a father? The mother always comes back from the shop.

A proud father has six children. He always calls his wife "mother of six" to her displeasure.

One night at a party, he yells across the room, "Mom of six, we're going now." She replies: "I'll be right there, father of four."

When I was a kid, my father would tell me that the black Santa Claus was coming to our house for Christmas. So, instead of putting out cookies and milk, we would put out cornbread and purple Kool-Aid.

"(My beard actually connects.)" "Like the connection you never had with your father."

Your children grew up faster than it took you to leave for the milk.

My dad in 9/11; he was the best pilot.

Once, my father came home and found me in front of a roaring fire.

That made my father very mad, as we didn’t have a fireplace.

Orphans have 363 days on a calendar because they don't have Mothers' or Fathers' Day.

My father, who flew the plane, couldn't have a funeral, he went everywhere.

I dressed up as Darth Vader at an orphanage and said, "I am your father!"

Once, my father came home and found me in front of a roaring fire.

That made my father very mad, as we didn't have a fireplace.