Failure jokes

The Stiggs life is a joke. Wait, I forgot, he doesn't have a life.

What are the similarities between a broken tire and me?

We were both caused by broken rubber.

Once I tried to catch some fog.

I mist.

If at first you don't succeed, oh well, so much for skydiving.

Why did the skydiver's parachute fail?

Because it was made by the same company that made their life decisions.

I tried to catch fog today. I mist.

All my life I wanted to be somebody. I wanted to achieve something.

Now, after messing up my life at every possible chance, I finally realize that what I really want is to have been someone after following through with one thing.

You keep your quality beans for the right season till you realize that you planted them on the infertile land.

I've got not much of anything to be honest.

Been in special classes in school.

Not liked by people.

Only relationship I've ever had and she cheated on me.

31 years old and never had sex, pathetic.

Not very smart.

Don't look good.

Hate myself more than anything.

Been a failure at everything in life.

Probably be alone forever.

People treat me like crap.

Can't do anything right.

And the list goes on and on.

So the question is why haven't I killed myself yet? The answer is, I forget. I'm a extreme procrastinator, keep just putting it off because I'll probably just fuck it up anyway.

If at first you don't succeed,

Maybe Russian Roulette isn't for you.

Okay, good night everyone who has common sense! "Akeld," you did not make it.

I'm not completely useless....

I can be used as a bad example!

I'm the type to blow up half of my house to kill a spider... and still miss.

Why didn't the toilet paper make it across the road?

It got stuck in a crack.

Cleveland Browns

What do you call an arrow pointing the wrong way?

A Disap point ment.

What's the difference between me and my pencil sharpeners? Nothing, we're both broken.

How did Stephen Hawking die?

Windows didn’t update in time.

What do you call a cow that doesn't produce any milk? An udder failure.

Sometimes I just wake up in the morning, and think, "Well, better luck next time."