Failure jokes
Q: What's the difference between me and cancer?
A: My dad didn't beat cancer...
Friend: My girls are like boomerangs; they always come back.
Me: Mine DON'T :(
They call me an elevator because I let people down.
The emo kid tried to give the tree a high five. Unfortunately, the tree left him hanging...
FEMA during a natural disaster is kinda like me during sex. Slow to respond and not a lot of satisfying results.
I CANT AHAHAHA
Someone forgot to do half the questions in the history test.
And that's what made him go down in history.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to get a bucket of water.
Jack slipped, his condom ripped, and now they have a daughter.
Kobe couldn’t clutch up with the rift to go.
A Canadian, an American, and a Mexican were tasked by a billionaire with teaching his stubborn pet parrot how to speak within 2 weeks.
They were given everything they needed to succeed, and a large sum of money was offered to the one who made the parrot talk first.
The Canadian played documentaries for the parrot through the whole duration. He spent all his time citing the alphabet and reading stories for the parrot.
The American showered him with the finest food, brought him all the females that he can mate with, and made sure to spoil the parrot as much as he can.
The Mexican locked the parrot in a dark room, barely gave him any food or water, and beat the shit out of him every single day.
When the time was up, the billionaire returned to find the parrot still unable to speak, so he asked the 3 trainers about their progress.
The Canadian goes: "I have tried everything. I spent all my time and energy teaching him the alphabet and reading books to him! Nothing worked."
The American agrees: "I have spoiled him beyond belief, gave him all the luxury he can possibly get, and yet he won't speak!"
The Mexican confirms: "I have showered him with love and luxury as well, tried to teach him words day and night, spent all my time and energy spoiling him with everything I had!"
The parrot looks at the Mexican with disbelief and yells out: "You lying motherfucker!"
I had problems milking my cow one morning. It was an udder failure.
You know why they call me 007?
0 girls.
0 chances.
7 restraining orders.
Am I the only one here that actually tried to kill myself 15 times and failed every time and landed up in the hospital every time?
what's the worst thing to say to an emo?
if you don't succeed the first time, try try try again.
Health commercials be like:
Serious side effects can cause:
Nausea, diarrhea, vomiting, chills, fever, cancer, diabetes, AIDS, chlamydia, lupus, Ebola, polio, leprosy, pulmonary edema, heart attack, heart failure, yellow fever, but worst of all, DEATH!
TAOST, you didn't submit it, you fuck!
What do an Apple company and an orphanage have that are different?
Apples actually get picked... Unlike little Timmy here... He's been here for 16 years.
I tried to high-five a tree. It left me hanging.
Depressed person: *chokes on food*
*involuntary coughs until they can breathe*
"AWWW! I failed the race!"
An Asian gets a choice between his rice cooker or his son. He instantly picks the cooker and says, "He got a B+ in maths last week; he's a failure!"
What do feminists do when they fail at something?
Blame men for sexism and misogyny.