Failure jokes

Health commercials be like:

Serious side effects can cause:

Nausea, diarrhea, vomiting, chills, fever, cancer, diabetes, AIDS, chlamydia, lupus, Ebola, polio, leprosy, pulmonary edema, heart attack, heart failure, yellow fever, but worst of all, DEATH!

You: I want my mama.

Me: Soz, you can't even get one.

What's the similarity between a broken pencil and my life?

They're both pointless.

An Asian gets a choice between his rice cooker or his son. He instantly picks the cooker and says, "He got a B+ in maths last week; he's a failure!"

What's similar between a fetus and a failed mission?

You abort it.

Four kids at my school tried suicide and failed. They are now known as the Suicide Squad.

If a lawyer gives birth to a stillborn baby, is it considered a miscarriage of justice?

Jason: Did you hear about the storm-trooper who attempted suicide?

Dave: No.

Jason: Well, he hit his first target.

I don't like making Kobe jokes... they always crash and burn.

What do feminists do when they fail at something?

Blame men for sexism and misogyny.

A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed. The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the escape lane, and came safely to a halt. The physicist said, "We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed." The engineer said, "I think I've got a few spanners in the back. I'll take a look and see if I can work out what's wrong." The programmer said, "Why don't we get going again and see if it's reproducible?"

My dad posted a picture of his condom challenge fail to his social media - it was a picture of me.

Why is Donald Trump so jealous of Usain Bolt?

Because he successfully finished a race!

Joke: Why did the gym close down?

– It just didn’t work out.

Don't worry about missing a shot after yelling "Kobe". He didn't make it either.

Your hairline is so bad that it turned Wonder Woman into Failure Man.

If you try to fail and you succeed, which one did you do?

You're not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.

I tried to come up with a funny pun about squirrels, but all my ideas were nuts.

It’s ok to yell “Kobe” after missing a shot, he didn’t make it either.