Ex jokes

What do you call a no "r"-med T-rex?

A T-ex.

My Smoothie Ingredients: - Bananas - Strawberry - The Blood of my ex - Peanut Butter

My ex misses me, good thing she'll never hit me.

I had the worst day of my life. My 13 year old ex got killed and I got fired from my job as a police guard. Did I mention that we were in Syria?

My girlfriend broke up with me today, but it’s ok.

She said we can still be cousins.

Today my EX got trampled by a bunch of horses, and sadly I lost my job as a horse trainer.

I was walking down the street when I thought I smelled my ex's perfume. Turns out, I was standing in front of a fish market.

I got hit by a bus.

But the bus was my ex.

"Hey, today was great."

"What happened?"

"I ran into my ex today."

"What's so great about that?"

"I was in my car."

Ex-girlfriend: "I can smell fish."

Ex-boyfriend: "I can smell shit."

Ex-boyfriend: "Well, how many boys swam down there?"

Ex-girlfriend: "20!"

Fish: "It wasn't me. I don't swim around mistakes."

A guy goes into his attic to clean it out and finds an old oil lamp. He thinks he could sell it instead of throwing it away, so he starts to rub it and out pops this genie. The genie says to him, "Thank you for awakening me, I can grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude." The guy wishes for a billion dollars, the genie grants it. The guy then asks for a huge mansion with 2 Lamborghinis and 2 Ferraris, the genie grants it.

The genie says, "This is your last wish so really make this one count." The guy says, "Well, I've always wanted to drive out to the Hawaiian islands, because airplanes scare me to death, so I would want a highway that could stretch from here all the way to the islands." The Genie says, "That is asking for quite a lot and I'm not sure if I can pull that off, is there anything else you'd want?" The guy says, "Well, I've been married and divorced three times, and I just can't understand what I've been doing wrong. I've given my ex-wives all the love and care that I could, but in the end it was never enough. I would want to have the ability to understand women." The genie thinks for a few moments and says, "Do you want a three or four lane highway?"

My ex-wife still misses me, but her aim is getting better!

Why does my cheating ex-wife wear a colostomy bag? She lost her ass playing poker...

I love breakups. My ex-girlfriends always end up in pieces.

So my ex invited me to dinner with her new boyfriend.

Her boyfriend said "Hi."

I said, "Knife to meet you!"

I had a horrible nightmare yesterday. I was in a room filled with all of my ex's, so I was completely alone.

Fruit is like ex-wives. They both look really good hanging from a tree.

What do you call a cow with three legs?

My ex.

My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like.

I once had a trash can as a girlfriend.

I was ready to break up with her, but all she had to say was, "Please don't dump me!" Then I said, "Sorry, I'm ready to take out the trash."