Everyone jokes

A different version of you exists in the minds of everyone that knows you.

1, 2, I have a gun.

3, 4, I am in a school.

5, 6, Everyone on the ground!

I'm not calling you a slut, I'm calling you a penny: two-faced, worthless, and in everyone's pants.

Everyone tells me I need to stop making prostitute jokes.

I guess they're whore-ible.

Everyone, if I am not online, that is because I am on a vacation, so yeah.

Hitler was the most handsome man alive.

Everyone died for him.

I asked my class what comes before 47. Everyone said 46, except for the quiet kid who said, "AK."

Me to an orphan: If you had a penny for everyone who loved you, I don't think you'd have any.

The orphan: But why?

Me: Because if someone loved you, they wouldn't have thrown you out.

Why does everyone respect midgets and dwarves?

They never look down on anyone.

Did you hear about the Boston marathon? 'Cause, well, I heard it was a blast and that it blew everyone away!

When you kill people in a war, it's perfectly fine, but when it's a school, everyone has a problem with it, wth.

My girlfriend passed away recently.

At the funeral, everyone was shocked about it.

Still, even when dead, she is the best shag I've ever known.

Me: I used to laugh at Skyrim jokes like you, then I took an...

Everyone Else: DON'T...FUCKING...SAY IT.

Everyone has a good heart; they just don't know what to do with it. I say give someone some love. Hate is sooooo stupid. Love is soooo smart!

Hello everyone, to the first Hollow Knight meeting!

Hey, I got some Domino's pizza, salad, breadsticks, and chicken wings for everyone. Yeah, but make sure Ms. Mandingo gorilla don't eat all up, because if she do, I'm going have to shove it up her fur.

When you know that everyone thinks you're a hoe.

WHEN Y'ALL ARE MY HOES!

My eggcellent egg yolks crack everyone up.

If you don't like them, you're just hard boiled.

Little Johnny was in kindergarten, and his teacher said, "Okay, everyone, tomorrow you must come to school and recite the first three letters of the alphabet." Johnny didn't know the alphabet, so he decided to ask his family. He walked into the kitchen to find his mom on the phone. He says, "Mama, what's the first letter of the alphabet?" His mom doesn't notice him standing there and says, "If you don't shut the fuck up right now-" So he goes to find his brother watching TV, and he says, "Tommy, what's the second letter of the alphabet?" His brother doesn't notice him and says, "I'm Batman." So he went to his grandma who was knitting and says, "Grandma, what's the third letter of the alphabet?" The grandma then realizes she left her biscuits in the oven for too long and says, "My biscuits are burning! My Biscuits are burning!" Satisfied with the answers given to him, he thinks it over and goes to school the next morning. When his teacher comes to Johnny, she says, "Johnny, what are the first three letters of the alphabet?" "If you don't shut the fuck up right now," Johnny says. "Who do you think you are, young man, to talk to someone like me that way?" the teacher asks. "I'm Batman," Johnny says. The teacher whups his ass, and little Johnny says, "My biscuits are burning! My Biscuits are burning!"

Later that day, he understands what happened and can't tell which was worse, that he accidentally cussed at his teacher or that his family was ignoring him.

Did you hear about the young man who brought floral arrangements in the shape of a life jacket on his friend’s funeral who drowned last week?

Everyone was furious, but he explained, “It’s what he would have wanted.”