Drive jokes

How do you disrespect an Asian?

Give them driving lessons.

A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, "Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means?"

The boyfriend says, "Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again."

An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room."

"You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."

A penguin takes his car to the shop, and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn't the cleanest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal."

"No," the penguin insists, "it's just ice cream."

If your Uncle Jack was on his roof, and he wanted you to help him down, would you help your Uncle Jack off?

A family's driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windshield. Embarrassed, and trying to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry, dear. That was just an insect."

"Wow," the boy replies. "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"

I had a steering wheel down my pants, and I tell you what, it was driving my balls crazy!

You are recently injured because of your job as a driving instructor, so you couldn't go on vacation with your friends.

Your friends tell you that they have an Asian pilot.

You realize, "They have a -1% survival rate!"

Today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.

Don’t you hate it when you are driving in a school zone and the speed bump starts screaming?

Kids make a lot of plans for people who can't drive anywhere.

Alcoholics don't run in my family, they drive.

I had to stop drinking because I got tired of waking up in my car, driving 90.

Why can't gays drive faster than 68 mph?

Because at 69 they blow a rod.

If you drive a Lamborghini, then you have a tiny weenie.

One day I was with my mom and we had no money on the credit card, and we live far, and my mom was hungry.

A guy and his friend had a car and asked us if we were lost. We said no, we have no ride, no money, and my mom is hungry. So the guy would take us for a blowjob each, so I was driving the car and my mom gave both guys a blowjob. We had to get out of the car to look for something, then the two guys went in the car and told us we got bad news and good news. I asked what the bad news was. They said that they're not taking us home, so I asked what the good news was. They told me that they fed my mom and drove off. I guess where they left us wasn't a long walk and my mom wasn't hungry anymore.

There's a Mexican, Brazilian, and Cuban in a S60. Who's driving?

What does Johnny Depp hate about driving a car?

He can't drink and drive.

You know that if it says, "Adopt a Highway" and no one does, we're driving on orphans.

After the drive-by, Tupac became known as Pewpac.

Blind people driving on the highway would be the world's biggest, and shortest game of bumper cars!

How did Helen Keller drive?

One hand on the wheel, one hand on the road.

When Helen Keller drives a car, people call her Asian.

Why can’t Indian women drive?

They’re too used to riding their camels.