"Hey, today was great."
"What happened?"
"I ran into my ex today."
"What's so great about that?"
"I was in my car."
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, but not like the other passengers in the car with him.
Do you know a way to really freak out someone that works at a car dealership?
You say, "Tell me if you can hear me," then get in the trunk and start screaming.
I can measure the speed of an object, because I want to km/s.
Roses are red, my name is Dan, I have a gun, GET IN THE VAN!
A cop stopped a guy for speeding.
He said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"I was trying to keep up with traffic," the guy replied.
The cop said, "But there is no traffic."
And the guy answered, "That's how far behind I am."
Why is it that when women decide to kill an unborn baby, it's a "CHOICE," but when I decide to drive my F-150 into a playground full of kids, it's called "MURDER"!
Little Johnny catches his parents going at it and says, "Hey dad! Whatcha doin'?"
His father says, "I'm filling your mom's tank."
Johnny says, "Oh yeah, well, you better get a model that gets better mileage because the milk man filled her up this morning."
I would name my dog "Five Miles" so I could say I walk five miles every day, but today I ran over Five Miles.
What's worse than locking your keys in the car in front of an abortion clinic?
Having to go back inside and ask to borrow a hanger.
What's yellow and can't swim?
A school bus full of disabled children.
One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke. That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
What do SpongeBob and Asians have in common?
They're both yellow and can't drive.
What kind of shoes do kidnappers wear?
White vans.
I'm not saying I hate you, but if you got hit by a bus, I'd be driving that bus.
What did one traffic light say to the other?
"Stop looking, I am changing."
A police officer writes a ticket for a car not being parked correctly. The driver asks why. When he realizes he is parked poorly, he responds, "Oh. I'm terribly sorry. You see, I'm so gay I can't even park straight."
What is the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of babies?
You can't unload a truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork.
What's the difference between a bus full of children and a fish?
The fish can swim.
What's the difference between a school bus and my Dad's van?
School buses usually don't have screaming and crying children.
