Dont jokes
Why don't orphans go to the shops? Because when their mum leaves, she's never coming back.
My name is Ethan, and I don't find this funny.
Don’t criticize someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.
So, when you criticize them, they won’t be able to hear you from that far away. Plus, you’ll have their shoes.
What does the handicapped man say to the cops when he’s mistaken for a criminal: "Don't shoot, I'm unarmed!"
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
Don't be stupid, feminists can't change anything.
Why don’t orphans know how to use a phone?
Because they don’t know where home is.
I don't like marriage. It's just like soup, as soon as you're done spooning it, it all cools off.
Why don’t orphans play baseball?
Because they don’t know where home is.
When his dick is really, really small, but you pretend it is so big it hurts so you don’t make him feel bad 'cause he is a nice guy.
This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator.
I was staring at boobs, and she said, "Press One?"
So I did...
I don't remember much after that.
A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building.
He yells, "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
Fat people are like the Twin Towers. Once they go down, they don’t come back up.
I don't like consistency. Last night, I spent three hours looking at a room and thinking, "I need a flower pot here, and the couch should be on the right." Eventually, the police arrived and led me away from my neighbor's window.
What's the difference between an apple and an orphan? Apples get picked. Orphans don't.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"Father replied, "I don't know, son. I'm still paying."
What's the difference between a Corvette and a pile of dead babies?
I don't have a Corvette in my garage.
Why don’t old people have sex?
When was the last time you tried pulling apart a grilled cheese that old?
Why don't Chinese children believe in Santa?
Because they're the ones making the toys.
Someone: PLEASE EAT! I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE!
Me: *Trying to remember how long it would take me to die of starvation because I've already googled it and given up because it takes too long.*
Me: Na, yeah, I still have 19 days left.
I took my 5 year old son to ride some roller coasters. I think he didn’t like it because I challenged him to a no hands contest.
He said, "But I don’t have any." He wanted to know what dark humor is. Now he knows what it is and what it feels like.