Dont jokes
Roses are red, violets are blue. Don't touch the beds, they are sticky with white goo.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"Father replied, "I don't know, son. I'm still paying."
What's the difference between a Corvette and a pile of dead babies?
I don't have a Corvette in my garage.
This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator.
I was staring at boobs, and she said, "Press One?"
So I did...
I don't remember much after that.
Why don’t old people have sex?
When was the last time you tried pulling apart a grilled cheese that old?
I took my 5 year old son to ride some roller coasters. I think he didn’t like it because I challenged him to a no hands contest.
He said, "But I don’t have any." He wanted to know what dark humor is. Now he knows what it is and what it feels like.
Why don't Chinese children believe in Santa?
Because they're the ones making the toys.
Someone: PLEASE EAT! I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE!
Me: *Trying to remember how long it would take me to die of starvation because I've already googled it and given up because it takes too long.*
Me: Na, yeah, I still have 19 days left.
Don't you just hate it when your grandmas always complaining about things getting stuck between her false teeth, like my foreskin?
Why don’t orphans know how to use a phone?
Because they don’t know where home is.
What was Michael Jackson's favorite word to say to parents and tabloids? "Leave me alone."
Bestfriend @3am: I love you.
Me: Love you too.
*wait whatttttttttttttttttttt*
I don't know if this is funny.
Orphans don't like family sized chips, I wonder why.
Was invited to the inauguration of an I-pad.
We were all ready to begin the event. I was supposed to cut the ribbons, but before I could do that, Penaldo jumped outta nowhere and shouted, "I DON'T WANT I-PAD, I ONLY WANT TO STATPAD!"
Shame on Penaldo for ruining the event! 😡
Don't let mistakes drag you down. My dad made one mistake, but it ended up fulfilling the 5-year plan of heat energy generation in less than a millisecond.
Why don't orphans go to the shops? Because when their mum leaves, she's never coming back.
My name is Ethan, and I don't find this funny.
Don’t criticize someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.
So, when you criticize them, they won’t be able to hear you from that far away. Plus, you’ll have their shoes.
What does the handicapped man say to the cops when he’s mistaken for a criminal: "Don't shoot, I'm unarmed!"
I don't think I'm allergic to this.