Dont jokes

Girl: "Hey, why don't you come over?"

Guy: "I can't. Cops are looking for me, they say I killed 2 people."

Girl: "C'mon, my parents aren't home."

Guy: "About that..."

What's the difference between a grape, an apple, and an arm? You don't slice a grape.

Don't say your life is a joke because jokes have meaning.

What is the worst motivational thing to say to a depressed person?

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

I don't call it suicide. I call it population control.

Why are orphans bad at poker?

They don't know what a full house is.

I cannot moderate myself at all. It's either I don't take my meds, or I take the entire bottle. Decisions, decisions...

My mom asked me to stop making jokes about suicide.

I answered, "Don't worry... I'll stop soon."

Why does Donald Trump have a fervent crush on the Russian president?

He is Putin his dick where it don't belong!

Two hunters were walking through the forest one day. All of the sudden, one of them passes out. The other hunter panics and dials 911. The emergency responder says, “911, what's your emergency?” The hunter replies, “My friend just passed out and I don’t know what to do! I think he might be dead!” The emergency responder replies, “Before you do anything, make sure he is dead.” The phone goes silent, and then the responder hears a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says, “Ok, now what?”

When meeting her parents doesn't require you to leave the house.

"Rehab's for quitters, and I don't give up."

Why are there only 363 days in an orphan's calendar? They don't have Father's or Mother's Day.

My friend got mad when he caught me smelling his sister's panties. I don't know why he was mad, maybe because she was wearing them, or because his whole family was watching. Either way, it made the funeral a bit awkward.

Dark jokes are like water; some people just don't get it.

I don't struggle with self-harm, I do it everyday.

Me: Have you ever went sky diving?

Friend: No.

Me: Well don't, it sucks.

Friend: Why?

Me: They gave me a parachute and I lived.

Brojobs are like air. It's not important until you don't have any.

Why don’t orphans work as computer repair technicians? Because they can’t find the motherboard.

I saw a man sitting on the ledge of a bridge the other day, and asked him what was wrong. He responded with nobody loves me, so i told him that may be true but you dont wanna kill yourself you want to die of old age, or at least be murdered, suicide is for the weak. he responded with your right so I pushed him over the bridge, and he died of murder