Doctor jokes

My mom said the happier a person is when sick, the sooner they get better.

So I went to the hospital, hooked up everyone's breathing masks to laughing gas.

Don’t worry if you have a stroke.

You’ll be all right.

Yo mama so ugly that when she was born, the doctor looked at her face, then at her butt and said, "Twins!"

My doctor is a very attractive woman; gorgeous face, nice boobs, smoking hot body. She said to me, “You are in your 50’s now, you have GOT to stop masturbating.” I asked why. She replied, “Because I’m trying to examine you, ya’ pervert!!!”

Yo mama so ugly, when she was born, the doctor tried to put her back in.

The doctor told me I'm color blind...

Me: That's out of the purple!

Every time I work late at the hospital, I help the patients sleep.

There isn't a snooze button on the beeping things, so I unplug them.

How do you throw a surprise party at the hospital?

Throw a strobe light in the epileptic ward.

A guy barges into a psychiatrist’s office and screams, “Doctor! I have suicidal tendencies! What do I do?!”

The doctor calmly answers, “Pay me in advance.”

Why is Kanye West's haircut actually years of work by many doctors to piece together skull fragments like a jigsaw puzzle?

Because Kanye once interrupted Chuck Norris on the set of "Walker Texas Ranger."

When Michael Jackson was taken to the hospital, immediately the maternity ward was put on lockdown.

You think people with glasses are smart, but they fail the eye doctor test.

Getting hurt is a bone-breaking experience. It's such a spine-tingling event!

What did the momma grape say to the pappa grape?

"Raisin' our kids is usually pretty fun, but sometimes they get sunburn and I have to take them to the doctor for dry skin."

A patient walked into a psychiatrist's office last week wrapped in nothing but Saran Wrap. The psychiatrist said, "I can clearly see your nuts."

If you have an overdose on a drug and die, then the lethal dose would be a lifetime supply.

My doctor told me, "Time heals wounds."

So I stabbed him.

Now we wait...

Doctor: I have bad news and really bad news.

Patient: What's the bad news?

Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.

Patient: What's the really bad news?

Doctor: I forgot to tell you yesterday.

What do priests and doctors have in common?

They both do physicals on kids.

I was walking down Main Street when I saw a child.

I told him, "I will give you 20$ if you get my balls back from the vet."

He replied, "Why did they take your balls sir?"

"Beer plus going to the vet does not work well for everybody, especially when you're a furry."