Doctor

Doctor jokes

Laughing Gas

My mom said the happier a person is when sick, the sooner they get better.

So I went to the hospital, hooked up everyone's breathing masks to laughing gas.

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  • Yo mama

    Yo mama so ugly that when she was born, the doctor looked at her face, then at her butt and said, "Twins!"

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  • Haircut

    Why is Kanye West's haircut actually years of work by many doctors to piece together skull fragments like a jigsaw puzzle?

    Because Kanye once interrupted Chuck Norris on the set of "Walker Texas Ranger."

    People

    You think people with glasses are smart, but they fail the eye doctor test.

    Memes

    Grape

    What did the momma grape say to the pappa grape?

    "Raisin' our kids is usually pretty fun, but sometimes they get sunburn and I have to take them to the doctor for dry skin."

    Epileptic

    How do you throw a surprise party at the hospital?

    Throw a strobe light in the epileptic ward.

    Guy

    A guy barges into a psychiatrist’s office and screams, “Doctor! I have suicidal tendencies! What do I do?!”

    The doctor calmly answers, “Pay me in advance.”

    Hospital

    Every time I work late at the hospital, I help the patients sleep.

    There isn't a snooze button on the beeping things, so I unplug them.

    Mama

    Yo mama so ugly, when she was born, the doctor tried to put her back in.

    Bone

    Getting hurt is a bone-breaking experience. It's such a spine-tingling event!

    Hospital

    When Michael Jackson was taken to the hospital, immediately the maternity ward was put on lockdown.

    Overdose

    If you have an overdose on a drug and die, then the lethal dose would be a lifetime supply.

    Wound

    My doctor told me, "Time heals wounds."

    So I stabbed him.

    Now we wait...

    News

    Doctor: I have bad news and really bad news.

    Patient: What's the bad news?

    Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.

    Patient: What's the really bad news?

    Doctor: I forgot to tell you yesterday.

    Priest

    What do priests and doctors have in common?

    They both do physicals on kids.

    Woman

    My doctor is a very attractive woman; gorgeous face, nice boobs, smoking hot body. She said to me, “You are in your 50’s now, you have GOT to stop masturbating.” I asked why. She replied, “Because I’m trying to examine you, ya’ pervert!!!”

    Furry

    I was walking down Main Street when I saw a child.

    I told him, "I will give you 20$ if you get my balls back from the vet."

    He replied, "Why did they take your balls sir?"

    "Beer plus going to the vet does not work well for everybody, especially when you're a furry."

    Cancer

    Doctor: I'm sorry, but your surgery will cost a lot of money.

    Buuuuut what's this behind your ear?

    Oh, it's still cancer.