I was walking down main street when I saw a child.
I told him, "I will give you 20$ if you get a my balls back from the vet."
He replied, "Why did they take your balls sir?
"Beer plus going to the vet does not work well for everybody, expeciy when your a furry."
Why did Peter Parker take Gwen Stacy to an orthopedist?
Because her neck was killing her.
My friend was told by her doctor that she was morbidly obese.
As if she doesn't have enough on her plate.
A guy barges into a psychiatrist’s office and screams, “Doctor! I have suicidal tendencies! What do I do?!”
The doctor calmly answers, “Pay me in advance.”
I got kicked out of the hospital.
Apparently, the sign "Stroke patients here" meant something totally different.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I can’t see you today. Orphan: Oh, how about tomorrow? Doctor: No, I can’t ever see you. Orphan: Why? Doctor: Because I’m a family physician.
Someone asked me what the worst mistake you could make while bieng at work was and i replied " being a doctor and mixing up the oral and rectal thermometers"
Why did the author go to the emergency room? -- His editor told him he needed an appendix removed.
A child with cancer: I want to be like you when I grow up. Doctor: Oh your not going to grow up.
Doctor: "I'm sorry, but you suffer from a terminal illness and only have 10 to live." Patient: "What do you mean 10? 10 what? months? weeks?" Doctor: "9, 8, 7..."
I have cancer the doctor said I have 3 days to live but I was like fuck it and killed him the jury said I have life in prison I shouted yes he said thank you you saved my life
Woman: Doctor doctor I've been raped.
Doctor: Sex is good for you
Chiropractor: Final neck adjustment in 3, 2, 1. How did that feel?
Me: *silence*
when you have to get your prostate checked and you can feel the cold rubber of the glove but you realize both the doctor's hands are on your shoulders
A woman walks into a doctor's office. She schedules an appointment and sits down it the waiting room. Whem it's her turn to talk to the doctor, she describes all of her symptoms, and they're unlike anything he's heard before. The doctor runs a few tests and steps out of the room. He comes back later, and says, 'Well I have good news and bad news.' The woman says, 'I'll hear the good news first please.' The doctor replies 'The good news is we're naming a disease after you!'
Me: DOCTOR! DOCTOR! I HAVE 50 SECONDS TO LIVE! Doctor: sit down for a minute.
A common question I get as a doctor is, do vaccines cause autism? Well!, I was vaccinated, so.....
So I ran into my Specialist Doctor and he said "pick a star sign, any star sign" so I said "Capricorn " and he said "nah you got cancer".
My proctologist used to be a photographer, he took x-rays and told me to bend over and say cheese
What's the difference between a surgeon and God?
God knows he's not a surgeon.
