Doctor Jokes

For you have a overdose on a drug and die, then the lethal dose would a lifetime supply.

Doctor: You need new glasses.

Patient: How'd you know? I haven't even told you what is wrong with me yet.

Doctor: I could tell as soon as you walked in through the window.

Doctor: Do you want the good news or the bad news first? Patient: Good news! Doctor: We are naming a disease after you.

When the doctor asks you what your zodiac sign is

You respond: cancer

Doctor says: well what a coincidence!

Mother: How is my little cookie 🍪 doing?

Doctor 👩‍⚕️: Your cookie 🍪 is feeling crummy right now.

Mother: Really?

Doctor 👩‍⚕️: But don’t worry. Things are about to get batter.

Mother: 😁♥️🍪

Why did Peter Parker take Gwen Stacy to an orthopedist?

Because her neck was killing her.

My friend was told by her doctor that she was morbidly obese.

As if she doesn't have enough on her plate.

Doctor: "I'm sorry, but you suffer from a terminal illness and only have 10 to live." Patient: "What do you mean 10? 10 what? months? weeks?" Doctor: "9, 8, 7..."

Doctor: I’m sorry, I can’t see you today. Orphan: Oh, how about tomorrow? Doctor: No, I can’t ever see you. Orphan: Why? Doctor: Because I’m a family physician.

doctors in the middle ages, Plague doctor: "i must have some herbs to block out bad air" docters now: "God, wtf were we doing back then"

When Michael Jackson was taken to the hospital, immediately the materinity ward was put on lockdown

I got kicked out of the hospital.

Apparently, the sign "Stroke patients here" meant something totally different.

A blonde walks into the Doctors office. She tells the Doctor, " My boyfriend has dandruff". The Doctor tells her to use Head and Shoulders. She leaves. About an hour later, the Doctors phone rings. He answers, its the Blonde. The Doctor asks how he can help her. " Well Doctor, I understand head, but how do you hove shoulders?"...........

A man is talking to his doctor after undergoing a whole range of tests to try and find out what’s wrong with him.

The doctor sits him down and says, “I’m so sorry to have to tell you this. But the results are back, and I’m afraid it’s fatal.”“Oh no!” exclaims the man, “How long do I have?”

“Ten,” says the doctor.

“What, years? Months?!”

“Nine...”

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.

Why is it that if you donate a kidney, people love you. But if you donate five kidneys, they call the police.

My senior relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying things like, “You’ll be next!” They stopped once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

I have cancer the doctor said I have 3 days to live but I was like fuck it and killed him the jury said I have life in prison I shouted yes he said thank you you saved my life