Doctor jokes
There were three babies in a mom's stomach. One baby asks, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" The other baby answers, "A doctor. I want to help people. What about you?"
"I want to be an engineer. I want to make things. What about you?" he asks to the third baby.
"I want to be a hunter."
"Why?" the other babies ask.
"I want to kill the snake that spits on my face."
I had to go to the doctor for a prostate exam. When he stuck it in, I started to squirm, so he held onto my shoulder.
I thought it was going well, until he grabbed my other shoulder as well.
What’s pink, nine inches, and makes my wife cry when I shove it down her throat?
Her Miscarriage.
Why did the doctor check out Earth?
He had a tummy quake.
What’s the most common name for cancer patients?
Luke (leukemia)
A woman wakes up in a hospital after an accident and yells, "Doctor, Doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
And the doctor says, "I know, I amputated your arms."
Why do pills work?
Because they are white.
Why did the math book go to the psychologist?
It had too many problems.
A girl was going through some really bad health issues at her house. It got so bad that she had to be rushed to the hospital.
Her husband found out about this after work and went to check on her. When he got there, the desk lady immediately pointed down the hall to a doctor. The guy walked up to the doctor, "Are you the one taking care of my wife?" The doctor glanced away from his papers, "Yes, that would be me, but I am afraid that she is in very bad condition. I have bad news and good news. The bad news is that she will have to be wheeled around in a wheelchair. Also, she can't eat normally. Taking care of her will become very hard. Basically, it will be like taking care of a big baby." Shocked, the guy says, "Wait, if that's the bad news, than what is the good news?" The doctor goes, "I'm just kidding with you, she died!"
What did the dinosaur eat when the dentist fixed his tooth?
The dentist!
My cat sleeps about 20 hours a day. She has her food prepared for her. She can eat whenever she wants, 24/7/365. Her meals are provided at no cost to her. She visits the doctor once a year for her checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this she pays nothing, and nothing is required of her.
She lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than she needs, but she is not required to do any upkeep. If she makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. She has her choice of luxurious places to sleep. She receives these accommodations absolutely free. She is living like a queen, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of her costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head, Holy Sh*t, my cat is a Democrat!
Two men were on a hike through a forest when one of the hikers got bit on his ass by a snake.
The other hiker ran to the village 2 miles away and explained to a doctor there what had happened. The doctor told him to cut a cross with a knife where he had been bitten and suck out the venom, so he ran back to the first hiker who asked him, "Have you got the cure?"
Hiker number two just said, "Nah mate, you're dead."
What’s the difference between a doctor and a pedophile?
The doctor doesn’t enjoy giving physicals.
What was the doctor's diagnosis on a dinosaur with a low sex drive? Teraerectile dysfunction.
It ain't always having erectile dysfunction, but it sure as hell ain't hard.
What's green and has a thousand nipples?
A garbage bag in the alley behind a breast cancer clinic.
A book went to the doctor’s office and said: “Doctor, doctor, I’ve got thesaurus throat ever.”
The doctor told me my temperature was exactly 98.6 degrees. I felt relieved until he said, “Celsius.”
Yo mama so dumb, when the doctor told her she had coronavirus, she bought a new laptop.
What did the Emo say to the surgeon? "Cut me, please!"