Death jokes
How do you get a smoking hot body as a senior?
Cremation.
Q. What's Terri Schiavo's favorite movie?
A. The Purge.
Who are the fastest readers ever? 9/11 victims, they went through 89 stories in 7 seconds.
In 9/11, people were dying for the pizza. But it was at the bottom, so they had to die for it literally.
Someone prank calls a general. The general hangs up and goes, "Kids these days have no respect for their elders. That's why I send them all to die."
If a woman named Susan gets murdered, is it considered a Sue-icide?
What did Kobe say to the helicopter?
"Don't crash!"
Why did Sally not come home from school today?
Because she died by a flying brick!
My uncle died from falling off a ladder and landing on his head (true story).
All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put my uncle together again.
What do you call a kid with no friends?
A Sandy Hook survivor.
I started a company making coffins. The slogan? 'We're dying to meet you.'
How do pigs kill themselves?
They commit Kermit-cide.
She asked me if I was hung like a horse, but I said no.
I'm hung like a person who wants to die, but then the rope broke.
I've had conversations with many people. Some of them were drier than my dad's ashes.
What happened to the chicken when he crossed the road? He didn't. He got run over by a truck.
I was going to charge my phone, so I pulled a plug and put it in. Then, my grandpa wasn't breathing anymore.
Where did the children go after he stepped on the land mine?
There, there, over there, and over here too.
Why did Kenny die?
Was he trying to kill himself? Was he just dicking around?
What do you call a graveyard full of disabled people?
A cabbage patch.
What did the gay necrophiliac say when his relationship ended?
"That rotten asshole split on me again!"